To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

and the ranting starts!

URG! ok so u knwo wat, imma tell ya'll about treatment k!

its fuckign stupid.  they try to get ur parents to work very closely with u but when ur parents are the worst help there is it does more damage then help!

they gave me a lot of like paper work and shit to read, its dumb but if u guys want i can make a seperate page for just the info they give me. maybe it'll help anyone looking to recover.....

i do want to be normal, i want to be naturally thin, eat watever i want and not care if i gain a bit b/c i'd be a twig and who woudl even notice! thats wat i want... sadly thats not wat im gonan get... they said i have to gain like 15-20 pounds just to be in the right weight for my genetic code or w/e

its dumb

so far the plan im on and wil be on is 3 meals a day and 3 snacks


and no the meals cant be snacks! they gotta be legit MEALS!

and im not allowed to say 'i dont eat that' there are no 'bad foods' or 'safe foods'

right now everything is at home with a check up every thursday, but they are puttin me in a program called 'day program' monday-friday 8am-5pm........
id be taken outta school and do my work there.... id be with other ppl in recovery and i would have to participate in the group therapy....

im scared as fuck! i saw one of the girls who is there and she is so much thinner and so much prettier then me! wat if they think im faking b/c im so fat!
they will al think that im too fat to get help, i wish i was thinner before this happened.. im really not sick enough to go! this is just stupid!

KD knows.... knows everything.... he says he'll never leave me and he'll love me forever no matter wat.... i wish he didnt find out but my cousin told him... i guess its better that he knows now and not after i get really fat. he says he'll still love me if im fat but i know he wont ever looks at me the same, he wont want my body he wont pick me up as he does he wont love me the same...he hasnt seen me naked yet.. too scared.. we just 'be together' with clothes....

idk ill update later, but let me knwo if u want me to post the stuff that they are teaching me or not. maybe it would jsut be nice to know even if u dont feel like geting help jsut yet, trust me i dont blame u :P

Saturday, February 26, 2011

i miss u :'(

urg k i start treatment soon, i cant get out of it now! FUCK!!! boo
eh w/e i fit size 0's now!
here is a pic i took today of me in them:

my thighs no longer touch, i fit size zero and i got a flat tummy.......... yet i look in the mirror and see so much fat on me!
my stumach is flat but i want it to not be squishy... then it'll be perfect! and the legs are slimmer yes.... but they still jiggle! i still got fat on my neck and arms and wat an ass i still got!

i decided imma come back to the blog so i dont lose my mind during treatment!

btw me and KD still good <3 love him with all my heart and he loves me too! 3 MONTHS BABY! ;)


love u all,
-happiness <3