i dont got much to say so im probably gonna be writing this all day
its like noon now and i got home from school, took a shower and now salt flushing!
this morning at school i swear i almost broke down and cried in class! i actually cant handle the people there... like k i sit with the russian israelis in my math class because i dont know i guess i'm friends with them.... but they treat me like shit, but its all jokes? like k can any one explain to me how u can think of someone as a friend but always joke with them and call them 'bitch' and al this crap! and like k i know hebrew so sometimes they will talk about me in russian or hebrew and i know wat they are saying and they always are just talking shit about me.... and i never say anything! once in class one of them was yelling at me because he was mad about something and he was swearing at me and like calling me names and stuff and this guy who sits a bit over jsut butt in and was like 'hey! u DONT talk to girls like that!" - i thanked him after but everyday its the same, i always feel like such shit after math....
me and KD are legit now :P im hoping me and him last!!! if u havent noticed i always think everything will work out but after like a week or two its over, then by the next week i got someone new!!! :P
oho btw isla lynn reminded me that i didnt tell u wat happened to chef :P ya he dumped me because he wanted a second job and didnt think it would be fair to me that we would NEVER see each other basically.... this was the first time ANYONE has ever broken up with me!!!! and it was a change that i wasnt prepared for so of course i had a major panic attack and thats why i left for a bit, just to deal with all that :P
i can deal with change... as long as im prepared for it, like i know in advanced and i can get my mind set into it!
i REALLY like KD, see unlike the last few bfs we talked a lot before we decided to be more then friends, and i decided to be fully honest with him. of course there is still a lot of me he doesnt know about, like my 'sexual' history (aka me being taken advantage of for my first few times of sex.. i cant say the 'r' word still...) or about my bad past boyfriends (aka being beat and such). but i told him about my family, and my childhood and about my panic attacks and my commitment issues and i also told him that i dont eat a lot in a day because im jsut not hungry (i had to because he always goes like 'u sure u dont want to grab a bite to eat' if we are the mall :P)
channuka started last night.... its basically an 8 day christmas.. aka many many dinners... but because of my grandpa this year we rnt celebrating channuka or christmas because it jsut feels wrong to celebrate while he is so sick.... :(
still havent weighed myself... im actually terrified! for the past two days ive been under 300 cals and been keeping busy but not hitting the gym... salt flushed today and now im gonna drink like 4 water bottles (100 oz?) and get rid of some of this water weight!!! then tomorrow morning i will weigh myself and then ill know what i'm dealing with because i got 29 more days till new years.... im not starting 2011 being over 100lb..... i refuse too...
oh wow when i just read that i jsut realized it sounds like id kill myself if im not under 100lb... no i wont, ill jst be very upset i guess? i dont know, im trying not to cut or anything because i dont want KD to know im insane :P (yet) ive been trying to find a different way to unleash the energy, so far i've been taking VERY cold showers and siting there until im numb and about to pass out,,,,, its not as dangerous and it does make me feel better so that is good!!!!??? :P
oh wow i guess i did have a lot to say because now its only 1:30 :P
i guess ill post this and then post again tomorrow!
i love u girls forever and always and yeah im caught up now on everyones blogs but really i just stil havent found words to comment... is it ok if i jsut comment on a post saying i read the post and that i love u guys and like that im here for u still ? or shoudl i like comment and try to have advice... because i really jsut dont know wat to say to many of u because i feel like ull get better advice from someone else... opinions??????
- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!