even if ur not at the bottom u can still want to go back up!

KD took me out to dinner last night! red lobster 4 course dinner, soup, salad, main dinner thing and then a triple chocolate dessert! YUMMMMM!!!!!  i didnt finish it all i had to take a bit home and i ate it later thaat night, both of us were so full we just laid down for like 2 hours after! :P

man i love him!

im doing good, food wise.... today i bought a doughnut, no second thoughts.  but me and KD seem to be getting to a wall again.... he got a new phone, that has internet and all that jazz.... and he put a password on it.  he refuses to tell me the password or play on his phone without him "supervising me" and i cant go into his texts, calls or his facebook. he deletes everything on his phone every couple hours anyways.

i dont know, im obviously just over thinking things....

he was really annoyed of me so he asked if he could hang up and go to bed, then he called me back and said he was sorry for being rude he is jsut frustrated and doesnt know why he is but he loves me and will talk to me tomorrow.

i do love him but he needs out of that house! his family is driving him actually insane, i promise u guys that u cant even understand how much he has to deal with! he is the most amazing guy i've ever known to go through all that and not do drugs, or drink stupid or anythign! :P

i love him, we have a plan.  i'm moving into residence at school in a month and a half.  by then hopefully i have my license and so will he.  if not then he has until november without having to deal with the winter driving.

then he is off work for the winter to get his GED.  by febuary i'm hoping he will be ready to move into his own place, then im off school in april and i will move in with him.  i love him i really do and i know that once he is out of that house me and him will have no more problems!

i'm taking courses for management and psycology... i do wanna help people but i dont have the money to become anything that would be able to help legally :S

sweet!!!

up to 116!!!! :D
 went to the spaghetti factory last night and ate as much as i could fit in my tummy! then woke up this morning and had a huge breakfast with the family.  :)

im excited, im hoping to gain 2 more pounds before my weight in on monday at program.  im still sick but im just forcing as much of the daily cals down my throat as i can.

i did have a bit of trouble at the restaurant last night. my whole family came, like cousins from outta town and my dad and step mom picked me and my sister up and we went with my in town fam and the toronto fam.  13 people at one table.  i dont know i jsut had a lot of bad thoughts about that i ate so much and everyone was thinking that about me.... i called up KD and he talked me down. but he still thinks its stupid that i even have bad thoughts still..... i know he is trying to help me but he doesnt get it that its a log process and that i've been trying to rush it for him... i'm starting to get worried that i rushed through recovery too quick and its gonna catch up with me later....

i guess only way to see is to wait.  for now im jsut happy he is there to help me. and my dad and step mom are very supportive. my mother is not but eh, she tries her best..... :S

to katie: dont be sorry for being urself. i know wat its like not to want to be around people and i will recover and so will u! dont bejealous that those girls are getting out b/c they are doing bad, be happy that u rnt doing bad!

to dani: u can get help but its gonna be harder, get a friend to help u. do ur research. help urself. it feels so much nicer to be happy and not having to worry all the time about wat im eating and how it MIGHT effect me!

k so to start this off id like to mention that i have strep throat.  if u dont know what that means it basically means that my throat is 90% closed up and its KILLS to swallow! :(  and i have a fever of 103F!  i'm sleeping a lot and i have to take pills 4 times a day for 10 days.........

im down to 113lb........ i'm eating only ice cream and juice and fish sticks! :(  i need to gain the weight back but oh man it hurts sooo much to eat :'(

ok so just incase someone didnt know me and KD have a deal that if i drop to 110 then he has to break up with me! im officially 3 pounds away from losing him! i need to gain 5lb minimum but i dont know how!

any tips on food that will be easy to eat with a soar throat?????

I'm back, and i brought my WHOLE body with me!

hey everyone! i don't care if u stop following me or anything like that but from now on my blog is about recovery!  I finished program 2 weeks before i graduated high school and so far i've been doing good.  KD and i are in love and really he helps me so much! im glad i told him!  he helps me through bad thoughts, big meals, urges and my still recovery from the drug addiction.

the girls i met at program taught me so much as well... the most important thing i learnt was that 20% of the people who go through program will die.  too many girls i met i know that they wont make it to their 20th birthday......

and none of u will either! get help! cry out for help! fight Ana and realize she has control not u!

it will take me some time but i'll be posting everything i learnt from program and somethings i learnt just from life.

if u every have anything u want to say about anything i wrote please dont be afraid to say it! ask questions, say ur thoughts, participate! even if u dont think its gonna be helpful jsut say it anyways because maybe ill be capable of challenging ur thinking and ull see life in a different light.. little by little.


I dedicate this blog of recovery to one girl i met in program, she has been there with me since the first day and through all this she means the world to me and her life is something i truly hope i can save one day!  Katie's blog

- Maxie Macklin (no fear!)

thoughts in a moment

rent are killing me slowly,
cocaine is life,
eating makes you fat and unwanted,
friends are temporary,
boys are good for sex,
have no feelings or be punished,


wait "talk back!"


rents are trying to help, not their fault they are dumb.
coke did nothing for me and ruined my life
eating is necessary to survive, ur attitude makes u unwanted
friends are only in ur life if u let them be
boys can be ur best friend and ur lover if u show them ur heart
its not having feelings its the way u express them that can get u in trouble!

my fat ass tummy!!!!

so went to KD's today.... usually when im there its a super light dinner and i can get away with picking how much i want.... KD took me to tim hortons! bought me the chilli combo with a whole wheat roll and a doughnut!!! WTF!!!!!  but i'm really trying to eat and purging chillly would have been death! so i had some of the chilli then tried to like 'playfully' feed him the rest so i didnt have to eat it..... after like 4 spoon fulls he caught on and after that he wouldnt let me not finish my food :(
 i even had to have the doughnut!!! i felt so fat! i was wearing a belt around my waist and it kept popping off!!! i wanted to just break down and cry, or purge my stomach out!

i ended up not purging and i did cry a bit but he just reassured me that he loves me and that i'm perfect just the way i am and no matter what he will never leave me..... i really dont believe him still.... no one loves fat people but fat people.

i was tracing his bones today, he is so skinny. im so jealous, he didnt have dinner either.  i wanna be thin i wanna be thin and graceful and beautiful and when i step in a room everyone notices and is jealous! i wanna be able to wear anything with out looking like the fat cow trying too hard to fit into her jeans!

told my dad today that i'm moving to my moms.... didnt go well.... i just am sick and tired of everything i do not being good enough, i already know that it isnt and i dont need them telling me as well!!!!

i will get through this stupid fucking program and i will be happy and i will love myself and i will have a nice and normal life!!!!!!!

i want babies, i want babies and i want them to be happy, not crazy like me, or my mom.  i want the most perfect beautiful and happy precious child <3

what do u want in a kid one day????

thinspo

some new thinspo i had found! i think this are just so amazing!!!

end of the first week

its sunday which means its been one week since i was biting my nails down terrified for Day Program.  the girls just call it program.  the week was spring break so there was no school there but ill give a review of wat we did.
get there at like 8am - breakfast as a group once everyone is there - then we got free time for a bit -  then snack as a group - either free time or like a group activity - lunch- group stuff - snack - home at 4pm

the girls are really nice, i was so scared they were gonna look at me and be like 'she is too fat to be here' or think that i just wanted attention or that idk i was faking it.  i was terrified! but i got there and they are so nice!!!! they are so much like me too.  im very awkward though so i made jokes a lot to make things less nervous because i was soo awkward! by the end of the week me and the girls are good friends! YAY I HAVE FRIENDS!!!! :P

the food isn't so bad, hellz id eat all of it right up if i was allowed to purge! but knowing u gotta keep it all down is just so fucking hard!!!!  u cant be in the bathroom without the outter door open and someone always has to flush for u (like one of the staff) .  we arent allowed to exercise but we do get 15 min a day for fresh air. thats when i go for my smoke, the other girls go down into the underground part and run to burn some cals.

me and KD are on 4 months now and this morning i woke up and i thoguht he had called me in the night to yell at me. i yelled at him this morning for it and he laughed then said he woudl call me later. he didnt call me back, i called him back and asked if we were gonna talk about this and he said he woudl call me back.  took 4 calls from me for him to tell me that it didnt really happen and it was a dream.. it felt so real though! i remember the conversation so clearly though! i remember it! but then again my dreams have been getting worse and worse, i just wish he had told me it was a dream the first time i called him and yelled at him.  he still hasnt talk to me about it, i dont know wat is keeping him so busy today :S

oh i've lost 5 pounds while being in treatment... i think they are gonna get pissed at me :S  i dont wanna gain, if i stop purging and eat wat they want and just dont gain... why cant it be like that!!! :(
i've been trying to keep my purging on a all time low... its hard but im trying and that is wat matters...

every weekend u make goals for the weekend, mine were to spend more time at home and i was here all weekend.  also to eat dinner twice this weekend, so far i ate dinner last night and i even kept most of it down!  imma eat dinner today too!  oh and to see a friend this weekend but im not gonna do that in the end b/c its snowing... oh and get my hair cut, i will do that today.  im painting my nails today really fancy and imma do a mask on my face... im focusing all my energy into my looks so maybe i can actually get through the days....

imma post more often i promise, i've just been in such a rut this week. havent told my friends yet or my mom....

i'm setting a new rule that i will only see KD on weekends so ill be home a bit more often... i try to spend as much time with him as i can so that i dont gotta be home :S

i've been toldo ne of my followers has nominated me for a blogger award, personally i dont see why anyone would do that.... i dont even know wat they are! id LOVE if someone coudl tell me what they even are?? i know i wont win but im secretly very excited to even be nominated.. :S

<3 i love u girls with all my heart and truely hope all of you fine the peace in your heart that g0d owes u, and that u deserve! <3

stay strong and happy,

sincerely Happiness <3

and so it begins...

i start monday morning at 8am
since its spring break there is no school part and it ends early at 4pm every day that week
i miss my whole spring break still though!
told my teachers, they looked at me like i was some sad puppy that they just walk right by in the window of a store. i told my guidance counselor because she has to be the one in contact with the Day Program people.  she has known me since grade 7, she was very shocked and said 'u never really seemed the type, oh i mean u hid it very well' aka im too fat to be sick.

i think this is stupid.  so far i have been hovering in the 110 area. holding down as many purges as possible. tip: tumms are ur best friend and really u cant take too many in a day! 2 at a time, when ever u feel that feeling of getting sick.  and drink lots of water to calm ur tummy :(

i just wanna get the program thing over with and get back on track wit life.  got the bf his birth certificate and his SIN card so he can legally work in canada now :P

next is his photo ID so he can buy smokes, booze and go to the strip club ;) yeah i told him he can go as long as he comes home to me after ;)

had to do the menu planning for the next week monday -friday

since it ends at 4pm during spring break that means im only there for breakfast, snack, lunch and snack

EXAMPLES OF BREAKFASTS: (btw im on the lowest amounts for everything)
- one cup cereal with milk + 1 slice bread + 250ml juice or milk + fruit
- 2 cup cereal with milk +fruit +250 ml of juice or milk
- bagel with cream cheese/peanut butter or some kind of spread + fruit + juice/milk

LUNCHES INCLUDE:
salad with dressing or a cup of soup +an entree (full serving sizes of meat/alternatives and grain and dairy) +fruit/vegitables +juice/milk 250ml + a dessert

if u do not have the dessert then u have to have one with dinner. dessert is not optional.

snacks all include 250 ml of milk or juice.  no water.

im not sure about dinners yet because i didnt get to see them. imma see if i can get a copy of some of the lists so i can post them.

if u are considering recovery, try to start the day with the breakfast above, then after that becomes normal and not scary, try adding breakfast and lunch, slowly try to add more food into ur day and u have to realize that weight gain is gonna be a part of this.

i have come to terms with that, bf says he will still be there for me,

if i want to get better i cannot be on here so much, the more i read ur blogs and the more i am here the more i dont want to recover, the more i dont think im sick enough... the more i want to starve myself until i disappear....

ill be posting to update on recovery and to give tips of how to recover and things im learning.  maybe it'll show some people that recovery isnt as scary as it sounds (btw so far its still pretty scary, im still sure the other girls are gonna take one look at me and be like ''she is WAY too fat to be here, she must just be looking for attention, hellz if i looked like her i would still be starving off that baby fat! ''

:( byez till monday :(

clarification

before i had mentioned how this blog was found by my cousin, well as i am reposted she thought i didnt know she was stilll reading it.  i knew she was and i will not have my self censored, if my parents knew i had this and were to read it as well i wouldnt care.  i have no longer anything to hide.  my thoughts are not gonna change over night if they even do. my actions are not gonna be hidden b/c thats not the point of recovery.  im gonna do this whole treatment thingy but im not just gonna 'snap' into a different mindset on my own.  i know i cant change my thoughts on my own so why fight myself when i can just wait for others to help me fight it.

i will still be blogging honestly and ill be updating after each meeting i have the the ppl there until i start treatment (as nothing interesting is going on at the moment)

me and my dad are doing this eating thing together
i have to eat the three meals and 3  snacks a day and he has to do it to, and he cant eat anything more then that!

ill admit it feels better not being the only one doing it.... i still hate it with a passion.  im eating the 3 meals and 3 snacks but im not eating the portions im supposed to or all the food groups im supposed to yet

its so fucking hard shoving all this food down my throat and keeping it there :(  sometimes ill just cry in the shower and down tums all day :(

keeping up with my yoga and boy says we can start going for runs together once its less icy outside. and once he gets some cash he is gonna start hitting the gym wit me

omfg me and the bf just were on the phone and he tells me that he noticed that he laughs when ppl cry! and i asked if he laughs when i cry and he admitted to chuckling but then only laughing on the inside! and to make me feel better he told me its not jsut me its everyone!!!! OMFG!!!!! the soul-less heart-less bastard! wtf! and i asked if he was gonna work or trying to understand that and he said probably (which means no but i want a new conversation!)

omfg i swear i love him but he actually has no emotions or feelings or anything! he is heart-less and soul-less! (but very hot)

cant weight myself, i know im getting fatter though b/c jeans dont feel as nice :(
really hoping the exercise is gonna help me not lose my head! :S

maybe i will survive!

wow u guys are smart!
deff i dont want any potatos! but see i hate everything... like idk wat i hate until someone says it...
bananas, potatos and.... red meat.

goal is to gain muscle instead of fat.... thats healthy! right? so ill eat w/e they want me too b/c ill purge it all when i get home (yeah i know my body has already taken the cals but i dont even want the physical food in me!) then work out with yoga and with bf at gym everyday! bike everywhere once winter is over and no movies or stupid sitting dares, ACTIVE!!!!!  i got another meeting tomorrow, idk wat its about but i keep getting closer and closer to the day they put me in there.... i havent told any of my friend i'm even leaving the school... i keep making plans with them and thinking 'will i eve be here' but really i doubt anyone is gonna notice im not there, no one ever notices when i dont show.  i just want to graduate this year, thats all i care about...


3 months with KD <3
love him to bits! he is a stick and eats nothing all day but coffee and smokes! when im with him he doesnt bug me to eat or anything im never hungry with him b/c u dont even think about food! i cant wait till i move in with him!

and thank u kissa but i know he loves the skinny girls and really.. i swear he isnt THAT much bigger then me! maybe ill post a pick of us both when i get one that shows us from head to toe or something.....   i just wanna be small enough that he can lift me with one arm, and i want him to love having me on top of him..... i want himto run his fingers over the outlines of my bones and tell me im beautiful and tell me im perfect!

i feel less alone with you all

im glad u guys are up for hearing about recovery, who knows, it might even work :P
eh im trying, i do want to be normal... just not fat....
btw they do not let u be vegetarian or vegan.
only allergies are wat they will let u not eat, but u do get to pick 3 foods u dont want to eat
3 and only 3
idk wat to pick!!! GIVE ME IDEAS!!!! HELP!!!! :(
and u cant exercise.. like of course i've upped doing yoga every second of the day i can, but no going to the gym , no sports and while ur there u can only do the exercise they let u and when they think its ok for u

there are so many rules and shit! i'm making a page just for the papers they give me :P

me and KD are good, he bought me a teddy the other day for v-day (better late then never!)
i had the house to myself yesterday so i invited him over and i decided that i was gonna finally show him ALL of me.... we were cuddling together after under the covers and i asked him if i was the largest girl he's been wit and been sexually attracted too (b/c i know he doesnt like fat chicks!) and he said yeah that im the biggest so far and so now it my goal to be the biggest at first but before we break up i WILL be the smallest!

gonna get him into doing yoga wit me and he says he wants to take me to the gym and work me out! he wants to get me into such good shape! and that way if i go with him the rents wont know im exercising! and i can say i was jsut at his house :P -- come back all sweaty and tired ;)  --

imma work on that page atm, nothing really to update..


--- i want to be healthy, i want to be normal, i want to be able to go through my day and not worry about wat other people see when they look at me -- i want a future with my love, not with my disease --

and the ranting starts!

URG! ok so u knwo wat, imma tell ya'll about treatment k!

its fuckign stupid.  they try to get ur parents to work very closely with u but when ur parents are the worst help there is it does more damage then help!

they gave me a lot of like paper work and shit to read, its dumb but if u guys want i can make a seperate page for just the info they give me. maybe it'll help anyone looking to recover.....

i do want to be normal, i want to be naturally thin, eat watever i want and not care if i gain a bit b/c i'd be a twig and who woudl even notice! thats wat i want... sadly thats not wat im gonan get... they said i have to gain like 15-20 pounds just to be in the right weight for my genetic code or w/e

its dumb

so far the plan im on and wil be on is 3 meals a day and 3 snacks

breakfast-snack-lunch-snack-dinner-snack

and no the meals cant be snacks! they gotta be legit MEALS!

and im not allowed to say 'i dont eat that' there are no 'bad foods' or 'safe foods'

right now everything is at home with a check up every thursday, but they are puttin me in a program called 'day program' monday-friday 8am-5pm........
id be taken outta school and do my work there.... id be with other ppl in recovery and i would have to participate in the group therapy....

im scared as fuck! i saw one of the girls who is there and she is so much thinner and so much prettier then me! wat if they think im faking b/c im so fat!
they will al think that im too fat to get help, i wish i was thinner before this happened.. im really not sick enough to go! this is just stupid!


KD knows.... knows everything.... he says he'll never leave me and he'll love me forever no matter wat.... i wish he didnt find out but my cousin told him... i guess its better that he knows now and not after i get really fat. he says he'll still love me if im fat but i know he wont ever looks at me the same, he wont want my body he wont pick me up as he does he wont love me the same...he hasnt seen me naked yet.. too scared.. we just 'be together' with clothes....

idk ill update later, but let me knwo if u want me to post the stuff that they are teaching me or not. maybe it would jsut be nice to know even if u dont feel like geting help jsut yet, trust me i dont blame u :P

i miss u :'(

urg k i start treatment soon, i cant get out of it now! FUCK!!! boo
eh w/e i fit size 0's now!
here is a pic i took today of me in them:

my thighs no longer touch, i fit size zero and i got a flat tummy.......... yet i look in the mirror and see so much fat on me!
my stumach is flat but i want it to not be squishy... then it'll be perfect! and the legs are slimmer yes.... but they still jiggle! i still got fat on my neck and arms and wat an ass i still got!

i decided imma come back to the blog so i dont lose my mind during treatment!

btw me and KD still good <3 love him with all my heart and he loves me too! 3 MONTHS BABY! ;)

I MISS ALL OF U GUYS AND WILL BE CATCHING UP ON ALL YOUR BLOGS ALL DAY TOMORROW!!!!!! <3

love u all,
-happiness <3

shhhhhhhhhhhh................

for any one who hasnt given up on my blog, thank u, i shouldnt be on it....... but i just wanted to update it, maybe for myself, maybe for u, i dont know......
 im a size 1.... i dont know my weight.......  10 days till im put in treatment...........
going down to a size 0..............

hope everyone is staying safe and happy

KD and i are gonna be perfect together <3