To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Friday, March 25, 2011

and so it begins...

i start monday morning at 8am
since its spring break there is no school part and it ends early at 4pm every day that week
i miss my whole spring break still though!
told my teachers, they looked at me like i was some sad puppy that they just walk right by in the window of a store. i told my guidance counselor because she has to be the one in contact with the Day Program people.  she has known me since grade 7, she was very shocked and said 'u never really seemed the type, oh i mean u hid it very well' aka im too fat to be sick.

i think this is stupid.  so far i have been hovering in the 110 area. holding down as many purges as possible. tip: tumms are ur best friend and really u cant take too many in a day! 2 at a time, when ever u feel that feeling of getting sick.  and drink lots of water to calm ur tummy :(

i just wanna get the program thing over with and get back on track wit life.  got the bf his birth certificate and his SIN card so he can legally work in canada now :P

next is his photo ID so he can buy smokes, booze and go to the strip club ;) yeah i told him he can go as long as he comes home to me after ;)

had to do the menu planning for the next week monday -friday

since it ends at 4pm during spring break that means im only there for breakfast, snack, lunch and snack

EXAMPLES OF BREAKFASTS: (btw im on the lowest amounts for everything)
- one cup cereal with milk + 1 slice bread + 250ml juice or milk + fruit
- 2 cup cereal with milk +fruit +250 ml of juice or milk
- bagel with cream cheese/peanut butter or some kind of spread + fruit + juice/milk

salad with dressing or a cup of soup +an entree (full serving sizes of meat/alternatives and grain and dairy) +fruit/vegitables +juice/milk 250ml + a dessert

if u do not have the dessert then u have to have one with dinner. dessert is not optional.

snacks all include 250 ml of milk or juice.  no water.

im not sure about dinners yet because i didnt get to see them. imma see if i can get a copy of some of the lists so i can post them.

if u are considering recovery, try to start the day with the breakfast above, then after that becomes normal and not scary, try adding breakfast and lunch, slowly try to add more food into ur day and u have to realize that weight gain is gonna be a part of this.

i have come to terms with that, bf says he will still be there for me,

if i want to get better i cannot be on here so much, the more i read ur blogs and the more i am here the more i dont want to recover, the more i dont think im sick enough... the more i want to starve myself until i disappear....

ill be posting to update on recovery and to give tips of how to recover and things im learning.  maybe it'll show some people that recovery isnt as scary as it sounds (btw so far its still pretty scary, im still sure the other girls are gonna take one look at me and be like ''she is WAY too fat to be here, she must just be looking for attention, hellz if i looked like her i would still be starving off that baby fat! ''

:( byez till monday :(

Friday, March 18, 2011


before i had mentioned how this blog was found by my cousin, well as i am reposted she thought i didnt know she was stilll reading it.  i knew she was and i will not have my self censored, if my parents knew i had this and were to read it as well i wouldnt care.  i have no longer anything to hide.  my thoughts are not gonna change over night if they even do. my actions are not gonna be hidden b/c thats not the point of recovery.  im gonna do this whole treatment thingy but im not just gonna 'snap' into a different mindset on my own.  i know i cant change my thoughts on my own so why fight myself when i can just wait for others to help me fight it.

i will still be blogging honestly and ill be updating after each meeting i have the the ppl there until i start treatment (as nothing interesting is going on at the moment)

me and my dad are doing this eating thing together
i have to eat the three meals and 3  snacks a day and he has to do it to, and he cant eat anything more then that!

ill admit it feels better not being the only one doing it.... i still hate it with a passion.  im eating the 3 meals and 3 snacks but im not eating the portions im supposed to or all the food groups im supposed to yet

its so fucking hard shoving all this food down my throat and keeping it there :(  sometimes ill just cry in the shower and down tums all day :(

keeping up with my yoga and boy says we can start going for runs together once its less icy outside. and once he gets some cash he is gonna start hitting the gym wit me

omfg me and the bf just were on the phone and he tells me that he noticed that he laughs when ppl cry! and i asked if he laughs when i cry and he admitted to chuckling but then only laughing on the inside! and to make me feel better he told me its not jsut me its everyone!!!! OMFG!!!!! the soul-less heart-less bastard! wtf! and i asked if he was gonna work or trying to understand that and he said probably (which means no but i want a new conversation!)

omfg i swear i love him but he actually has no emotions or feelings or anything! he is heart-less and soul-less! (but very hot)

cant weight myself, i know im getting fatter though b/c jeans dont feel as nice :(
really hoping the exercise is gonna help me not lose my head! :S

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

maybe i will survive!

wow u guys are smart!
deff i dont want any potatos! but see i hate everything... like idk wat i hate until someone says it...
bananas, potatos and.... red meat.

goal is to gain muscle instead of fat.... thats healthy! right? so ill eat w/e they want me too b/c ill purge it all when i get home (yeah i know my body has already taken the cals but i dont even want the physical food in me!) then work out with yoga and with bf at gym everyday! bike everywhere once winter is over and no movies or stupid sitting dares, ACTIVE!!!!!  i got another meeting tomorrow, idk wat its about but i keep getting closer and closer to the day they put me in there.... i havent told any of my friend i'm even leaving the school... i keep making plans with them and thinking 'will i eve be here' but really i doubt anyone is gonna notice im not there, no one ever notices when i dont show.  i just want to graduate this year, thats all i care about...

3 months with KD <3
love him to bits! he is a stick and eats nothing all day but coffee and smokes! when im with him he doesnt bug me to eat or anything im never hungry with him b/c u dont even think about food! i cant wait till i move in with him!

and thank u kissa but i know he loves the skinny girls and really.. i swear he isnt THAT much bigger then me! maybe ill post a pick of us both when i get one that shows us from head to toe or something.....   i just wanna be small enough that he can lift me with one arm, and i want him to love having me on top of him..... i want himto run his fingers over the outlines of my bones and tell me im beautiful and tell me im perfect!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

i feel less alone with you all

im glad u guys are up for hearing about recovery, who knows, it might even work :P
eh im trying, i do want to be normal... just not fat....
btw they do not let u be vegetarian or vegan.
only allergies are wat they will let u not eat, but u do get to pick 3 foods u dont want to eat
3 and only 3
idk wat to pick!!! GIVE ME IDEAS!!!! HELP!!!! :(
and u cant exercise.. like of course i've upped doing yoga every second of the day i can, but no going to the gym , no sports and while ur there u can only do the exercise they let u and when they think its ok for u

there are so many rules and shit! i'm making a page just for the papers they give me :P

me and KD are good, he bought me a teddy the other day for v-day (better late then never!)
i had the house to myself yesterday so i invited him over and i decided that i was gonna finally show him ALL of me.... we were cuddling together after under the covers and i asked him if i was the largest girl he's been wit and been sexually attracted too (b/c i know he doesnt like fat chicks!) and he said yeah that im the biggest so far and so now it my goal to be the biggest at first but before we break up i WILL be the smallest!

gonna get him into doing yoga wit me and he says he wants to take me to the gym and work me out! he wants to get me into such good shape! and that way if i go with him the rents wont know im exercising! and i can say i was jsut at his house :P -- come back all sweaty and tired ;)  --

imma work on that page atm, nothing really to update..

--- i want to be healthy, i want to be normal, i want to be able to go through my day and not worry about wat other people see when they look at me -- i want a future with my love, not with my disease --