not all of me came back....

i'm sorry for just ditching everyone like that... i actually couldnt feel worse. im spending all night tonight catching up on blogs.

i had another minor break down... smashed my scale, tore up my journals, and burnt some pictures of thinspo i could find in the moment.... parents seriously want me committed.....

thats why i had to leave, i needed to think. i baked, a lot. 2 apple pies, 1 cheery pie, 84 cup cakes, 42 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, 4 batches of sugar cookies, 21 muffins, a kugel (jewish egg noodle dish), potato pancakes, and matzo ball soup (jewish soup, with eggs?) lols

i cooked and i baked and ate a breakfast, a lunch and a dinner.....  i didnt look in mirrors that went lower then my shoulders, couldnt weigh myself and my measuring tape was taken away......

for the past two days i got my scale back, measuring tape back and my panic attacks back... they are getting worse then ever before. before i used to be able to hide them and still function, that way no one knew other then my family.  now i cant do anything, they are taking longer to go away and they are making me break down each time.

i got a new guy, we shall call him.... KD lols like the macaroni :P  im in a good mood now, i swaer he is perfect, he is jsut like me and he thinks im perfect, we talked all night last night (as i caught up on peoples blogs, still not done!) like legit for over 10 hours we jsut talked <3
i swear he is jsut amazing and he is so nice and sweet and truly is interested in me!!!! :D

i havent weighed myself, my dreams are getting more real every night and i keep thinking i have weighed myself and im back at 118lb, i dont know if i am, and i dont know if im not.... maybe today ill weigh myself... im scared, im scared on wat the number will say..... if i have to cut or not today....

maybe ill do it tomorrow.... ive been traying to eat at least breakfast and dinner, but keeping bother under or around 200 cals

my metabolism boosters are amazing!!!! <3 they keep me up and feeling good! :)

my grandpa is going soon.. he cant talk, walk, think or remember anymore..... he is like a vegetable that my grandma wants on fucking strings like a puppet because she is too cared to give him up!  i lost him months ago, when we first found out he had a brain tumor so i'm dealing in my own way.... mostly pain but hey, at least i dont got a vegetable husband being paraded around my house.  fucking crazy woman.......


i love and i missed u all <3 actually couldnt stop thinking about u guys and the craziness in ur lives!!! :P

i wish i could say im off coke... but i still do it every now and again... im cutting down b/c i still have some left.  i've had about 2 g's for about a month now so i think that is pretty good!!!! :P  i just take a lil bit here and there just to get me going again bu then when im out ill crash and be done with it!

k ill post again soon lovelies! i hpe ur days were filled with happiness and love and thin thoughts!!! <3