To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Friday, September 24, 2010

SIZE 3!!!!!!

yeah thats right! i went from a size 7 pants to a size 3! new measurements are coming soon and ive started on fixing my bone structure. many people dont know this but u can actually make urself thinner by bending ur bones inward! its VERY painful and it takes a long time
maybe a month straight. but ive got many belts (most child sized) and im hiding them under my clothes and tightening them every so often so that they will bend in some of my bones. that could take off another inch if done right! how amazing is that!!!! i could do some serious weight loss!

ill update soon! im doing good!!! :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

day 6:

ok so its been 6 days and i am still doing my workout. down to 113 lb and still going
13 pounds to go and 24 days left........ (btw that means i lost the .8 pounds i had before)
my family has been really on me, they are making little comments here and there and just getting on my nerves.  i had lunch with the family today and my grandma was like 'she wont gain any weight if she eats like that' and i wanted to yell 'sorry if i wont gain as much weight as my fat ass sister by eating ALL of that food!' i had a bowl of soup! thats sooooooooooooooooo much more then i needed to eat.
and today my mom decided to have a family dinner as well so i had to eat, i had like a spoon full of macaroni salad and some fake meat.
im so upset that im being watched but at the same time they are making me full terrible for eating.  if i do eat something ill pick something easy to throw up right, well my mom will always make a comment on how its not the healthier choice, but the healthier choice is gonna taste and feel horrible coming back up.  its just annoying,

uch ill be posting a bit less soon b/c my schedule seems to be getting even more hectic!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

day 3

day 3 is complete and only 27 more days to go!
7 more till i update the pictures!

as it turns out my boyfriend is gonna come in to see me in october!!!!!  which means i gotta lose a lot of weight before he comes in.  we were talking the other day and he agreed that i should lose some weight so im gonna surprise him with me losing as much as possible before he comes in.  i got 27 days to lose a min. of 20 pounds. im gonna be updating my measurements later in the evening.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Before pics

k this is me at the present moment:


i circled all the parts on my body i cant stand! all the FAT!!! the UGLY FAT! the reason that im not BEAUTIFUL!

ill post new pics every 10 days, because that is when you level up in the 30 day shred.

i did it today and im sooo sore! im gonna add some yoga poses for after so that i can get the flexibility too. and so that it hurts less.
ill keep you updated! 

height weight chart

live by this chart, 15% underweight is my goal, healthy is over rated and not as beauty as 'THIN!'

Height Weight Chart
HeightHealthy15% Under25% Under35% Under

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

DAY 1:

ok so sorry for being MIA for a bit.  things have become a bit hectic! and i hate when things go into a chaos.  i don't handle it well. things are calming down a bit.  I work full time now, 8 hour shifts. i had my first dance class and it was terrible!!! im the fattest kid in the class, i dont fit in and really i just am so bad at it.  so I created a competition between me and a friend (thats why this post is titled day one, by the way :P).   it's the 30 day shred, Juliann Michaels does it.  today was day one. i had school in the morning, work for 8 hours and then came home took a 30 min break then did the 30 min work out.  i didnt have time today but im also gonna download a 10 min yoga video for after for flexability so that i can show up all the bitches in my ballet class.  by the end of the 30 days im gonna kick all ass in my dance class.  its late and im dying of exhaustion!

im still keeping my food diary but its jsut a hassle to type it up as well.  just letting u know ive been doing great so far! NO BINGING YET!!! :D 

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Today I failed, hard! I ate sooooo much!!!! Probably like well over 1,500 cal! OMFG!!!!
That is THREE days worth of calories!!! I’m now gonna have to fast all weekend.  Friday – Sunday night, no food or anything but water.  After school I work then I’m gonna go to bed probably, then work out all day Saturday if possible then all day Sunday too if possible!  I did have plans with friends but this is more important! I NEED to lose this weight! no wait I’m supposed to say that I ‘want’ to not that I ‘have’ to :P.  So ridiculous.  I can’t even weight myself!  I get my pay check tomorrow, 50$ goes to my special friend ;) and then I still need to save up 420$..... My pay check might be about 100$.... TOPS!   Man I’m fucked. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.... I need to lose 15 pounds by the end of the month. That is my goal, how hard could it be??? I’ll start dance and when I’m not working i'll be working out. No more drinking, no getting high (just makes u want food), just smoking and lines.  No food. Food does not control me, it doesn’t own me. I own it, I decide what to eat, when to eat and if I even want to eat.  It has no power over me! And when I’m thin i'll be able to walk into any room and be noticed as the most beautiful girl in the room. Guy won’t be able to ignore me then.

holidays :(

Ok so i made it through the dinner last night by telling everyone i ate more then i did, being super sneaky! which wasn't easy at all!!!!!

i hate being watched its making everything so much harder! and today i had to eat! this is terrible! i had to go to a lunch (no choice!) and they fed me! like wouldn't leave me alone, watched me take every bite!  i ate approximately 1,000 cal!!!!! worst part is even though i came home right after, i'm being watched here too so i cant even throw up!!!
i don't know what i'm gonna do for the dinner i have in an hour!!!
i am sitting at the kids table (oh what joy) so i think i can get away with sneaking my food into the kitchen and throwing it out.

once tonight is over then the rest of the month there arent anymore worries! just make it through today and ill be home free!!!
i got 8.5 hours of work tomorrow so that will burn about 600 cal

i need to find a form of exercise that will burn about 3,000 cal that i can do everyday........... got any suggestions??????

i hate this i'm still waiting for some support but ill wait forever if i have to!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What's going on??

Are you kidding me!!!! K so I have to be honest, I have struggled with an ED in the past. My parents put me through recovery before and have been on watch ever since.  The only reason I started again was because I really couldn't handle looking at my body anymore, and they were starting to loosen their grasp on me.  Yesterday I was proven wrong.  I had decided to become a vegetarian again (was for 3 years before I got sick and had to quit) and they freaked out on me thinking that I was back to my old ways.  I fought so hard telling them that im eating all the time and they just aren’t around to see it and that it’s ridiculous for them to think otherwise.  They are just over reacting! So I had to prove to them that im eating so I ended up eating 1 cup cereal (160 cal), burrito (360 cal) and a yogurt (90 cal). Total: 610 cal!!!!!! Bleh!
Now I have to watch my back more than ever! And to top it off I went out with some friends to a bar (didn’t drink) and me and this one guy did some lines and another guy found out and told a family member of mine that he knows! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m really gonna have to watch myself from now on...... no one can be trusted these days.

Today was a good(ish) day, I was gonna fast but then my parents decided to take me to Wendy’s for dinner :( . I was out shopping for like 4 hours (bussing/walking everywhere).  And they picked me up and took me there, to keep with my vegetarianism I couldn’t get a salad (all had meat on top), burger, or anything really, so I got a potato.  I picked at it really, (dropped most of it on the floor) and then made an excuse on why not to finish it.  I picked up multi-vitamins today and some chewy candies that are to take away hunger. 

School starts tomorrow and my goal of being 100 pounds is a fail! I lost 5 pounds but that just isn’t enough!!!  I got a family dinner on Wednesday and Thursday and a lunch on Thursday.  Im not sure how im gonna pull off not eating........ I need to figure it out and fast! 

I noticed people are seeing my blog, but still no comments or anything.  Im only writing this because I am looking for support from the World Wide Web. Please comment, or send my blog to someone who will! Please, im starting to feel so alone....

Monday, September 6, 2010

My personal thinspo

some pictures I put together when I first realized that my body was not the shape i wanted

these are the bodies i aspire to be one day!

hope one day ill be thin and beautiful

soon ill be posting a thinspo all about one of my friends
she is so thin and so beautiful

Sunday, September 5, 2010


Ok so technicly I didn't fail.

Calorie count:
mc chicken = 470 cal
total = 470

still, I wanna stop my cravings for mcdonalds!!! It's an evil building! I re-measured myself today, new measurements are:

waist, 25''
tummy, 32''
ass, 37''
thigh, 22''

idk when I can weight myself!!! I hate this, the constant thoughts in my head wondering my weight and if I've been doing good or not are
killing me!!!! With only 2 more days till school I'm fasting and hoping to weight myself on Wednesday morning before school. With my first pay check I'm buying myself a scale!!!!!

I hope one day someone reads this.... I could really use some support........

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Watching them all walk by.....

Sept. 4th 2010

calories of the day:
two coffees = 120 cal
one instameal = 320 cal
total: 440 cal

not drinking is the hardest part about this but booze is just empty calories. I've gone 2 days now without using coke to take away my hunger and both days I've ate more then usual.
I got only 3 more days until school and no way to weight myself!!!! This sucks!!!! I'm just gonna trust that my hard work is paying off. I'll update my weight tomorrow :)
September 3rd calorie count:

- instameal = 320 cal
- ice cream 1/3 cup = 120 cal
TOTAL = 420 cal

did good, even less then I'm allowed! Walked everywhere yesterday, and signed up for my dance classes. Every Monday for an hour. Great cardio and I'll lose a lot of nasty fat!!!! I am
gonna pick up more hours at work b/c u can't eat at my work so that will help!!! On a new set of diet pills, hope they work better then the last! I look at my stomach and I see it's getting smaller!!! :D
I can see my bottom set of ribs! Another month and I might be down my 20 pounds!!!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

how to start...

Ok so i started this blog b/c i need some support.  i have been struggling with my weight my whole life.  i used to be on Ritalin and it made me eat NOTHING and i miss it.  once i started my new pills i have gained over 30 pounds.  i was vegetarian for 3 years and that kept my weight around 100 pounds.  i hate how i look in the mirror, and how i can feel my fat flop around when i walk.
since June 10th i have been on a STRICT diet of less then 500 cal a day.  I've lost 5 pounds but i need more!
my goal is 88 lb, that was my happiest weight. if anything i just want to get back down to 100. i need it, i cant be happy till i am.
I've been keeping a food journal and writing all my thoughts and stuff in there since now, now this is my journal.  hopefully i can get some support from the web! plus ill be posting pics of the people in my life that i envy. my own personal thinspo :)

ill keep you updated although mostly with measurement and not my weight.  my parents have locked up the scale b/c they worry about me, i don't get why, I'm not losing weight! they should be proud that i am trying anyways, everyone in my family is so fat! i will NOT end up like them!!!!