To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Friday, December 24, 2010


my blog has been found by my cousin
im leaving for good
KD and i are going to last forever
i'm gonna get better, and im gonna get help
3 inches until a size one and 5 pounds from 100......
i'm gonna be healthy and happy, because i deserve it
and so do all of u!
get help, be truly happy!
ill see u all in my dreams i guess......

Saturday, December 11, 2010

im sorry...

im going away for a bit..... im very sorry to waste everyones time...... me and KD are in love.....  i need to be perfect, i need to be pure

i need to be beautiful.............

ill be back..... maybe
if i deserve it
new years in 21 days
6 pounds to go..... i have no life anymore
i just lay with him
i miss school

its consumed me............. im going away for a bit.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

an all day post...

i dont got much to say so im probably gonna be writing this all day
its like noon now and i got home from school, took a shower and now salt flushing!
this morning at school i swear i almost broke down and cried in class! i actually cant handle the people there... like k i sit with the russian israelis in my math class because i dont know i guess i'm friends with them.... but they treat me like shit, but its all jokes?  like k can any one explain to me how u can think of someone as a friend but always joke with them and call them 'bitch' and al this crap! and like k i know hebrew so sometimes they will talk about me in russian or hebrew and i know wat they are saying and they always are just talking shit about me.... and i never say anything!  once in class one of them was yelling at me because he was mad about something and he was swearing at me and like calling me names and stuff and this guy who sits a bit over jsut butt in and was like 'hey! u DONT talk to girls like that!"  - i thanked him after but everyday its the same, i always feel like such shit after math....

me and KD are legit now :P im hoping me and him last!!! if u havent noticed i always think everything will work out but after like a week or two its over, then by the next week i got someone new!!! :P

oho btw isla lynn reminded me that i didnt tell u wat happened to chef :P ya he dumped me because he wanted a second job and didnt think it would be fair to me that we would NEVER see each other basically.... this was the first time ANYONE has ever broken up with me!!!! and it was a change that i wasnt prepared for so of course i had a major panic attack and thats why i left for a bit, just to deal with all that :P

i can deal with change... as long as im prepared for it, like i know in advanced and i can get my mind set into it!

i REALLY like KD, see unlike the last few bfs we talked a lot before we decided to be more then friends, and i decided to be fully honest with him. of course there is still a lot of me he doesnt know about, like my 'sexual' history (aka me being taken advantage of for my first few times of sex.. i cant say the 'r' word still...)  or about my bad past boyfriends (aka being beat and such).  but i told him about my family, and my childhood and about my panic attacks and my commitment issues and i also told him that i dont eat a lot in a day because im jsut not hungry (i had to because he always goes like 'u sure u dont want to grab a bite to eat' if we are the mall :P)

channuka started last night.... its basically an 8 day christmas.. aka many many dinners... but because of my grandpa this year we rnt celebrating channuka or christmas because it jsut feels wrong to celebrate while he is so sick.... :(

still havent weighed myself... im actually terrified! for the past two days ive been under 300 cals and been keeping busy but not hitting the gym... salt flushed today and now im gonna drink like 4 water bottles (100 oz?) and get rid of some of this water weight!!! then tomorrow morning i will weigh myself and then ill know what i'm dealing with because i got 29 more days till new years.... im not starting 2011 being over 100lb..... i refuse too...
oh wow when i just read that i jsut realized it sounds like id kill myself if im not under 100lb... no i wont, ill jst be very upset i guess?  i dont know, im trying not to cut or anything because i dont want KD to know im insane :P  (yet)  ive been trying to find a different way to unleash the energy, so far i've been taking VERY cold showers and siting there until im numb and about to pass out,,,,, its not as dangerous and it does make me feel better so that is good!!!!??? :P

oh wow i guess i did have a lot to say because now its only 1:30 :P

i guess ill post this and then post again tomorrow!
i love u girls forever and always and yeah im caught up now on everyones blogs but really i just stil havent found words to comment... is it ok if i jsut comment on a post saying i read the post and that i love u guys and like that im here for u still ? or shoudl i like comment and try to have advice... because i really jsut dont know wat to say to many of u because i feel like ull get better advice from someone else...  opinions??????

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

not all of me came back....

i'm sorry for just ditching everyone like that... i actually couldnt feel worse. im spending all night tonight catching up on blogs.

i had another minor break down... smashed my scale, tore up my journals, and burnt some pictures of thinspo i could find in the moment.... parents seriously want me committed.....

thats why i had to leave, i needed to think. i baked, a lot. 2 apple pies, 1 cheery pie, 84 cup cakes, 42 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, 4 batches of sugar cookies, 21 muffins, a kugel (jewish egg noodle dish), potato pancakes, and matzo ball soup (jewish soup, with eggs?) lols

i cooked and i baked and ate a breakfast, a lunch and a dinner.....  i didnt look in mirrors that went lower then my shoulders, couldnt weigh myself and my measuring tape was taken away......

for the past two days i got my scale back, measuring tape back and my panic attacks back... they are getting worse then ever before. before i used to be able to hide them and still function, that way no one knew other then my family.  now i cant do anything, they are taking longer to go away and they are making me break down each time.

i got a new guy, we shall call him.... KD lols like the macaroni :P  im in a good mood now, i swaer he is perfect, he is jsut like me and he thinks im perfect, we talked all night last night (as i caught up on peoples blogs, still not done!) like legit for over 10 hours we jsut talked <3
i swear he is jsut amazing and he is so nice and sweet and truly is interested in me!!!! :D

i havent weighed myself, my dreams are getting more real every night and i keep thinking i have weighed myself and im back at 118lb, i dont know if i am, and i dont know if im not.... maybe today ill weigh myself... im scared, im scared on wat the number will say..... if i have to cut or not today....

maybe ill do it tomorrow.... ive been traying to eat at least breakfast and dinner, but keeping bother under or around 200 cals

my metabolism boosters are amazing!!!! <3 they keep me up and feeling good! :)

my grandpa is going soon.. he cant talk, walk, think or remember anymore..... he is like a vegetable that my grandma wants on fucking strings like a puppet because she is too cared to give him up!  i lost him months ago, when we first found out he had a brain tumor so i'm dealing in my own way.... mostly pain but hey, at least i dont got a vegetable husband being paraded around my house.  fucking crazy woman.......

i love and i missed u all <3 actually couldnt stop thinking about u guys and the craziness in ur lives!!! :P

i wish i could say im off coke... but i still do it every now and again... im cutting down b/c i still have some left.  i've had about 2 g's for about a month now so i think that is pretty good!!!! :P  i just take a lil bit here and there just to get me going again bu then when im out ill crash and be done with it!

k ill post again soon lovelies! i hpe ur days were filled with happiness and love and thin thoughts!!! <3

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

u dont actually have to read this one (its just a weird dream i had, nothing important just sayin :P)

ok so this post isnt really that interesting or necessary but i REALLY wanted u guys to know! i had THE WEIRDEST dream last night!!!!! like k so im at home sitting in my bed and the doorbell rings... guess who it is... YOU! like actually it was just a girl with black hair and she was really skinny and she says to me "happiness??? OMG!!! it is u! oh wow i cant believe i found u!"  after i figured it out i invited her in (idk how to explain 'her' but it was all of u guys like all ur personalities in this one girl!) we talked in my room for a bit, like she told me how she just bought new skinnies (size 00) and i told her how i grew back into my old size 7s :(
we talked about sex, sexuality (aka my lezz or bi friends and hers too, idk why!) then we went outside for a walk, and we ran into some of my old guy friends.  one i used to date for a while (running back-football coach now) and we went for a drive with them, and she was texting me the whole time.. nothing really interesting but we were best friends, like idk how to explain it, we made inside jokes, laughed, talked about everything, had no secrets.... she was my best friend and she just randomly came to find me!  but it wasnt just one girl (although ill admit when i woke up i thought it was Isla Lynn) it was all of u guys...

i guess i've really gotten close to a lot of u girls, more then i thought :)
you guys are more then just my 'online friends' you guys support me and make me feel loved.  you are my family when i have no one to turn to. and its not just a one sided friendship, i love and support each and every one of u! i wish that one day all my weird dreams of meeting u guys come true! maybe one day... (my life goal is to travel soo.....)

who is up for a good laugh???

lol k so i know that my last few posts where very... upsetting and thank u all for caring so much about me! i've been skipping my happy pills and getting back to my old self has been a little bit of a roller coaster ride :P

had my date with chef tonight! and im so ready to post the most hilarious blog post ever.... i got 'hurt' during sex today :P

ok ok i know i wasnt gonna have sex, i even left my condoms at home so that we COULDNT! but he is just so hot... and i didnt eat all day... and i weighed myself and was at 107 still..... and i only ate one piece of pizza while out with him.... and i stopped my period this morning.... k so of course i couldnt resist him!


b/c i hadnt had my period for like... 5 months and just had it i was a bit sore still... and so after having sex twice my... south end region was very dry... and very chaffed... i now basically have like rug burn.. UP there!

very ichy and very painful :P

and very funny! :D

thats wat i get for trying to break my rules!!!! karma kicks my ass ! :P
im in a good mood, gonna try to find a gym i can get to b/c of all this snow i cant get to my old one... it'll take three times longer to walk around the feild!

did good for food today... 700 cals... (mostly that pizza and the cofffee i had today) but burned off over 1,000 cals from all the work and stuff(sex) today :P

i think to make this post even funnier im just gonna post some funny jokes i can find online :P
please dont be offended i tend to have a sick sense of humor...




You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.

u know what! im gonna make a jokes page!!! i love jokes and i find that the diet ones always make me laugh and take my mind off eating!!!! ill update my thinspo AND make a page for jokes! i do love to laugh to keep my mind off eating! :P

im hoping ur all having a great day! and happiness finds u everywhere! <3 and im still up to date on everyones blogs but a few of u need to keep posting! there hasnt been a new post from a few of u in a bit!!! (not ok!) :P

BYEZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D <3

****edit: and on a super happy note, i told him i got really sick from eating so much with him (2 slices of veggie pizza) so now he promises to stop trying to make me eat (like taking me out for fatty food) and wont pressure my into eating a lot!  i feel kinda bad about tricking him but i need him to not make me fat... lols**********

Monday, November 22, 2010

scared half to death?

i weighed myself this morning and was down to 107 so im like "oh ok well then if i eat like nothing today ill be down to 100 in no time!" so i didnt go to school but had work at about 12:30pm, tookmy morning meds (including the new diet meds) and then had coffee (6 cups, 30 cals).... turns out i didnt have work so i got there, took my other dose of diet pills and then headed back home... here is where everything went downhill!!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

not. handling, well....

hey, gots a new follower! well if u were hoping to read a happy post im very sorry to disappoint......
convention wasnt as terrible as i thought... i did eat (which means i did not see chef today) but i kept under 1,000 cals each day.  today i am at 166 cals [few sips of apple juice, a cucumber, and 2 cups of broccoli] and im not going to go past 200 cals for the next week.... got my period today for the first time since june which means that "week of eating normal" worked and now im going right back into basically fasting, i refuse to eat enough to get my period! thats my indicator that im eating too much!  not gonna weigh myself for a bit.... im too scared now!  im gonna stop taking my happy pills.... im changing my mind about getting help, im not ready, i dont deserve it, im not sick enough for it to be a real issue, im still at a "healthy" weight.

this weekend i had to plan, run and participate in a 'body image' program.... awkward? yes, i did it but after i cried for an hour, luckily no one found out.... i caught up on all ur blogs but didnt comment, but i promise im keeping updated i just am overly exhausted from this weekend!

current plan:  eat as minimal as possible (no more then 200 cals)
drink 3-4 of my water bottles a day
take my ADD pills but throw out my happy pills
take my new diet pills (they are to speed up my metabolism, not get rid of my appetite because those give me a nasty crash which leads to a binge!)

ok so im dying, i need to sleep, ill do a better post tomorrow or something and ill get to commenting soon too!

u guys are wat gets me through! <3 love u all i hope u know....
oh and i wanna show u guys something hilarious!
on the convention i ended up getting pied in the face TWICE! (luckily i hate pie so i didnt eat any!) but here is a pic!!!

***EDIT: i didnt wanna make a new post for this but i weighed myself this morning and im at 107lb! which means im still keeping to my plan and ill keep ya'll updated! (but it also means im happier and not gonna cry all day :P)****

Friday, November 19, 2010

insanity at its finest :D

ok so i had my appointment today to get evaluated for actual help for all this CRAP! and i have been refered to a bunch of ED doctors and addiction doctors and depression doctors and all this CRAP! basically right now the only thing keeping me from breaking down from all of this happening too fast is those damn happy pills! im going crazy in my head, i cant stop shaking and i got a convention all weeekend!
super fun!!!
i got new pills that will speed up my metabolism, im hoping they work, i didnt eat this morning when i took them and i wasnt planning on eating till sunday, but my body had different plans, i have work in an hour and i couldnt stop(stil cant) stop shaking, i almost fainted but i caught myself, and really, im not functioning well..... im also coked out of my mind...... im not surviving well am i?

i wont be able to post much this weekend (doubt there will even be service) but ill try my hardest to stay updated on ur blogs and ill be updating when i get back.... i wish i could just die in a hole and never do anything again.....

at 163 cals so far today (90 from yogurt and 7 from grapes and 67 from 1 chicken ball)  i love this site thing, it makes me not worry as much as long as i can put in every detail of my days im good :)

got work for 3 hours so ill burn 450 cals there b/c its gonna be crazy busy b/c its snowing like mad outside (which means no gym for a while as i cant get there now! i used to walk through a feild and i dont knwo another way just yet!)
i have to go now but ill miss u guys, i dont knwo how im gonna survive this weekend, i kinda just wanna die in my room and not go anywhere or do anything ever again..... sorry for the lack of happiness...

positive point: chef is amazing and still wit me! and i love him wit all my heart! <3 i swear he is perfection! (and so skinny is so hot!)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

right? left? upside down? backwards?

AHHHHHHHHHHHH damn u mind!!!!! i cant even think straight! damn u fucking happy pills, damn u fucking boy, damn u fucking parents, damn u fucking cousin, damn u fucking grandma!, damn u fucking grandfather, damn u fucking friends and damn u fucking food!!!!!!!!!

the fucking happy pills are fucking my head up! and the boy isnt helping!

last night to make it up to me for ditching on sunday he wanted to take me out for cake and a movie... but of course that sounded terrible to me so we went for cake, i picked at it.... he talked to me about all the restaurants and different foods he wants me to try... i almost threw up just thinking about it :(

then to burn off the cake and the broccoli i had in the morning i decided we were just gonna have sex :P  we did it three times and in between we would like cuddle up and ask questions about life or just talk <3  but then.... he just says "you know what, i've never seen you eat"  my heart drops and i very quickly say "i eat, i ate that cake, and that veggy burger at ur restaurant!!!!" we talked for a bit, and i had to just tell him that i dont like to eat a lot in front of guys im trying to impress... he bought it and left me alone for a bit.

after all our frisky fun (aka he needed to eat something ;P) we went to A&W, i said i'd eat the veggie burger, only 300 cal and i didnt eat all day so that i could without wanting to purge after. but i had to get dressed first so he turns on the light so we can find my clothes... i hide under my sweater and then of course he wants to have a conver on why he cant see my naked in the light!  i tell him that one day he will (when im down about 10 pounds!) and he give up again and lets it go...... im really scared he might be bad for me!  he is coming over today for lunch, im gonna see if he just wants to have sex instead or if i can say i already ate....

i really am falling for him, hard, but if all he does is make me eat....
im gonna eat today b/c i gots another doctor appointment today..... iim thinking to get me off this plateau and to get the boy off my back i might eat like 1,000 cals a day (and leave the gym a lone for a bit... or at least not as much) for a week or so.... stay at this weight but eating more might make my body think that its like it was before and it will drop as quickly as it did before too (none of that made sense, sorry! i dont really know what i wanted to say :P)

fasting all weekend, no if's and's or but's! if i want to see chef when i get back then i cant eat on this convention! all the food is crap and nasty!

he is texting me!!!! he texted good morning when he woke up (so i was still alseep :P) but we did talk and he said he is gonna get better at it! and i told him about my grandpa and he said he will definitely be there for me when i need him <3

my online food diary is still amazzing :P im always in the negitives which makes me happy :) but now i want to be a min. of 800 cals positive? does that sound good? idk it sounds really high, my first number was gonna be 500.... bleh i hate this, why cant i jsust be normal and happy and fat.  wouldnt it take less energy to love myself for being a whale then it does to make myself beautiful :P  lol i could just be a fat whale sitting around my house all day, devouring cakes, chocolate, meats and all the little people who would try to walk by me... just pick them up and eat them too! id be like a house! just eating everything and everyone... i wonder who would love me then........

(p.s. still on coke, cant give it up.... i have some left and i dont have the power to throw it out....)

-----------------------------------------EDIT***--------------------------just wanted to add some pics i took before chef came over for some snooky time during his lunch break ;)

my cute little outfit so we can have sex with the lights and he still cant see me....
looks how fat my thighs and ass are :(
my massive curve is actually disgusting, but u can see a bit of light between my legs, its about a 1 fingers width gap, still not good enough... :(
my flabby tummy and 3 ribs, and my ass that chef loves(idk why) and my fat thighs!
one thing i like is that without pushing it out my neck bones are so defined! all my back bones and shoulder bones look good, nothing else does though... :(

he liked my outfit and got away with wearing it the whole time, while he wass here though an "i love u" almost slipped from my lips... not ok!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

oh my grandma!

ok so my grandma is the TINIEST woman.. but she is also anorexic :P  my family has been trying to get her to eat healthy for years.  she is my inspiration!
well i'm the most exhausted so i wasnt gonna post an update until tomorrow after my date with chef but she sent me some pics of me when i was a kid (and thin) so i decided that i will post them

here they are:

look how tiny my legs are!!!!!!! i was..... in grade 8 or 9 i think :P

TINY!!!!! i miss this :(

ya that is a 3D puzzle, i used to be obsessed with them, like i did that one in like... 2 days :P

miss that long hair too..... ill post an update on stuff tomorrow k!
BYE MY LOVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
e-mail is (like it? me too!)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

well that lasted a while....

no me and chef didnt break up..... yet.....  he is amazing, he is the most perfect guy for me but he has no time ever for me.  he doesnt work on wednesdays and sundays, today is sunday, so i thought id see him, he said we would go for dinner (i wasnt excited for that but i was to see him!) but he is now canceling on me because he hasnt seen his family since last sunday and is going for dinner with them.  ok so u'd think that at least ill see hiim on wednesday right? wrong, he has to work an event that night and he couldnt say no because he got chosen because he is just so awesome.... so im happy for him, right? i guess.... but then ill see him next sunday of course, oh wait.... maybe not because i get home from my convention (yes another one) that day and ill be exhausted and probably not in the mood to see anyone (seeing as i always hate how much i eat on these weekends!)

oh sorry ill update on my ED before i go on k :  ABC diet is going good... i've decided that i cant do that fasting days because my family is still watching me like a hawk.  so ill just put those ones to like 100 cals, thats basically just my daily amount of coffee :P

salt water flushed this morning, im completely empty and it makes me feel a bit better seeing as my heart feels the same.....

im gonna get him to call me to see if he wants to do something before his dinner, i got a hair cut and my nails done and shaved yesterday so i am basically all done up for him........ but i wont see him for like a week maybe!

i require more attention then this..... even if we only saw each other 2 times a week thats ok, but we like dont text because he never texts me, and i feel like im bugging him when i do :(  and i dont think we have ever talked on the phone even, always in person or over text or facebook :(

wat do u do when u have ur perfect man...... but u dont ever get to have him?  if that makes sense.....

p.s. actually this site is my life! :
u can make an account, and become friends with people! and then u can see the stuff they are tracking! is basically the food portion of wat we do on here but so much more high tech and in detail and amazing!

i put my cal goal to 800 cals (the lowest they will allow) that way ill make sure i never go over it!!!!! :)

Friday, November 12, 2010

side effects may include lack of appetite?

i dont know what it is but since i started the ABC diet (2 days ago) i've actually been under my daily allowance! yesterday i was allowed 500 cals but i only ate 230 (most of that was coffee) and walked around the mall for 4 hours so i burned in total all day like 1,000 cals with all the other exercise i did :P

i swear this site is g-d sent! no more having to memorize what number i'm at (i can memorize the number of each food but i suck and remembering wat number im at today vs. the number from the day before and all the other numbers in my head!) plus u can track ur exercise and it calculates it all for u! and organizes it all into suck pretty charts and graphs! (i love charts and graphs and being organized with information!)
seriously check out this site!

i am feeling a lot less hungry since i had sex with chef, but that was also the day i started my new dosage of my happy pills... idk which one is making me happy :S

i swear i could fall in love with chef, like legit love.... im getting older and everyone in my family gets married pretty young.... who knows but im trying to be good.

i broke it with mr. funny guy, 100% we are through! no more communication!

i told trainer guy that he could have his 300$ or our friendship, he chose our friendship but then started yelling at me and treating me like shit b/c of wat happened and so im gonna call him today and tell him that its his last choice, money or me? and if he picks me that he has to treat me with respect! i dont deserve his rudeness!!

i weighed myself to day and im at 108.0!!!! on the dot eh? wat a pretty number :)

i have decided im giving up coke, i gotta, im gonna stay home today and research as much as possible but ill also tell my therapist... maybe... i dont want her telling my parents b/c they will actually murder me!

i should probably take my ADD pills before i post b/c i never have a nice order to my thoughts.... well too late now! i've already started :P

oh btw i gots a new follower today :) HEY YOU!!!!! :D!!!!!

lols, ok so today is 300 cals and i bet at least half of that will be coffee..... wish me luck not on my calorie goal... but on quitting coke... i really have no clue wat im doing with my life anymore........ but i do know i want to be pure, pure from drugs, alcohol and the toxic poison we are fed everyday!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

ABC diet

ok so i broke my goal and had crazy hot sex with chef in his car. totally worth it because now he is my boyfriend and oh man i love him!  he is PERFECT! legit everything i have ever wanted in a guy! ill maybe do a cheesy lovey post later, no one needs/wants to hear me rant about that! :P

ok so morning weight was 109.2lb and so i decided to get off this plateau im on of hovering in the 110 zone im gonna start the ABC diet.  today was 500 cals and i did it, but it was all junk... aka 467 cals of a cinnamon bun and then just coffee with chef....after hot amazing sex!

lols sorry im actually so rattled by the fact that he is the most amazing guy on earth and it was his first time and we talked about it and like he likes my body so much... of course the car was pitch black and we didnt have ANY lights on, he tried to turn them on after when getting dressed but i told him i wasnt ok with it.... he didnt ask.... he was pretty good but like his personality and his jokes and his smile and his eyes and OMG! im sorry im too rattled to make a real post so long story short:

- abc diet started, and will be kept for the full 50 days!
- salt water flush tomorrow to help with the start of this diet
- sex instead of chocolate <3
- and i gotta figure out a way to be with the guy who loves food so much and respects it soo much... even though i consider it poison sent from satin himself.....

btw check out this site! its an online food diary and u can also track ur exercise! im sorry i love all things technical so online stuff makes me excited!
its super cool and easy to use! (plus no one can find it and use it against u.....(cough, cough my cousin cough)

yeah ok

g'night!!!! (btw i actually now just check everyones blog like 3 times a day to see if they updated... i need a life...)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

wishing i couldnt sleep...

my dreams have been haunting me for a while now... i havent said anything b/c i thought they would go away.  they are getting worse....

last night i had a dream that i stepped on my scale and it broke, like as if paper......
a few others but they all are getting realer, where ill wake up and i have no clue if they really happened or not. like ill have a dream where i checked my cell and got a text, but then wake up to find that i didnt get that text at all.... i dont know, its just weirding me out.

salt water flushed yesterday and today, was 108 today so i guess my body is wanting that sex more then i thought! :P

Sunday, November 7, 2010


ok before i start my HUGE rant, i wanna say that i figured out a way so that when i open my browser i just press a button and all my fav blogs open into new tabs so i dont have to go through my dashboard!!!

my list of fav blogs:                                                                                    

lols k! now that im done that.... RANT!!!!!

ok so im an epic fail at relationships.
quick list:
- i fear to commit; only wanna have sex; terrified of emotions (especially other peoples); overly jealous; very paranoid; trust issues; i cheat a lot; i lie a lot with no reason, just do!; but the number one reason i suck at relationships is.... because i fall in love so quick......

all i want is love, its all i think about(when not sex :P) and im starting to really fall for this new guy.. i cant remember if i gave him a nickname or not yet... oh ya chef (lols i put chief for the other one :P damn spell check!) but thing is, its been a week since i met him, i know its not love but its me and i so deperatly want love that i think it is.... but i want this to work so im playing cool :P but i want sex.... and i know that he is really iffy on me because i had a boyfriend when we first hooked up so i want to show him i can be legit. so i cant have sex behind his back... and i cant have sex with him yet b/c i want him to be my boyfriend(aka exclusive) first.... OMG!!! I HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!!! boo this shit!  plus he never texts me first, i always text him and he always seems super interested in my but then he will jsut stop texting the next daybut he wont admit to falling asleep?  we were to see each other yesterday but he jsut stopped texting! hopefully he will text me or somethign today and we can hang out.....

well on a good note im 109 still and binging like crazy becuase of this no sex thing. its actually driving my BONKERS!!! its been well over a month now and ive gotten NOTHING! past making out and chef got under my shirt but eh, really nothing. :(

im gonna get down to 105 by next week i hope at the latest!

bleh really only thoughts in my head are him and sex, or havng sex with him. oh wait! wanna know how i know that i got it bad for this boy??? i stopped thinking about how great the sex was with mr. funny guy. i dont even WANNA have sex with him. man i got it bad.... :(

Thursday, November 4, 2010

WARNING! *SEX POST* (no details though i just say 'sex' a lot :P)

wats worse, binging or breaking a weight goal....?

i want sex :(
its been like maybe 3 weeks and i've had to turn down my ex (while we were dating) and now this new guy... i really miss sex :(

i didnt binge today, i went to the gym, i have my pretty little happy pills (which i noticed people are jealous of, they havent worked yet, but i am supposed to gigve them a week or so, ill keep ya updated).  i'm being good! but i still got like 3 pounds to go before sex..... im not enjoying this one bit!

i have always been called a slight nymphomaniac (<-spelt it right on my first try!). and so i thought that this goal would really 'motivate' me. and it really is but oh man i just wanna get laid!!!!!

*this is my convincing myself to have sex btw*: sex is good for weight loss, u burn calories, and u cant eat during it. and after all ur thinking about is how good(or bad) it was.... and it burns like up to 800 cals per 30 min or something.... i have gone a weekend not eating at all and just having sex with my boyfriend (stayed there for the weekend, AMAZING!) it would help be GET to my goal....

did that work??? does anyone believe me???

wats worse? breaking the whole promise to my self thing with no sex till im 105, or replacing sex with chocolate which i have a tendency to do and have been doing...
please post ur votes!!!!!

im happy????

starving artist

ok so my date went AMAZING!!!! he picked me up for the movie, during he put his arm around me <3 and welll... its me :P so we ended up hardcore making out in the theater, like my hand almost down his pants..... :P
then we had like a hour and a half until i had to be home so we talked a lot, asked a lot of questions, really got to know each other..... then hardcore made out in his car.... we had no shirt for most of it :P

HE IS SOOO HOT!!!!! i actually thought he was just cute and like he probably wouldnt have a body but.... ;)
and we have so much in common and what we dont is like things that are interesting and like we can jsut talk about them! :)  i'm happy.... right?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

how to deal with stupid....

I never learnt :P

My stupid act was telling my parents I was unhappy. They did get me some help but oh my I got a few words on that! But first I’d like to explain how my parents think it’s a good way to deal with my depression and ED: telling me about other people who have died in the world (like random people in prisons!), telling me that because of my actions that they are ‘upset’ (aka I’m the reason they aren’t happy! AWESOME right?), telling me that I’m not trying hard enough to ‘fix myself’ (I LEGIT HAVE BEEN SCARFING DOWN TUMS TO KEEP FOOD DOWN!) and oh my favourite is getting mad at me for forgetting little things! Like I’m trying my damn hardest to make it through my days, I REALLY don’t need them adding to it! 

On to my rant about the ‘help’ I’m supposed to be getting.  I’m trying my best to be honest but I’m not dumb, I know that they will tell my parents things so I didn’t tell them about the coke, but I had to see this one lady and MAN SHE WAS STUPID!!!!!! My stepmom told her my ‘unhealthy food relationship’ started only a month or two ago and because of my grandpa.  I decided to tell her the truth about how I’ve been dealing with this since I was in grade 6 or 8 (depends on how bad u have to be to declare it unhealthy...) and then fucking 3 or 4 more times she would say that it started a few months ago, and every time I had to correct her!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!! Like I don’t handle stupid well............. I really don’t.

Sorry for the rant :P but oh man I would have been better dealing with this on my own...........

Quick update..... haven’t eaten yet.... I had some veggies here and there but sadly now I’m stricter than ever with my calories, it’s like I’m scared to eat? I wanna sit down and eat but I feel like everyone is watching me and I can’t handle it!  Last night I got yelled at so terribly I just couldn’t handle it anymore and I cut, that’s right I cut and didn’t carve... which is weird for me because I hate the idea of unorganized and reasonless pain (I’m weird :P) but I didn’t want to die.... but I slit my wrist. And deeper than ever before, I could see my veins, I was careful to go around, it was like I was digging out my wrist. Sorry too much info but the image hasn’t left my head..........

Me and Mr. Funny guy are no longer anything more than friends, I refuse to get into a life like that, he is cold and doesn’t care about anything!  I met someone new and we are going out tomorrow.  Issue with him is he is a chief.... BUT uber adorable and has the most amazing blue eyes! 

Btw I have a new trick to keep myself on track, I tied a string around my waist, measured at exactly 24’’.  If my measurement goes past that it HURTS and if it’s loose then I am pain free. Right now it’s loose and I’m happy.

I don’t know how to tag other bloggers but I want to give a special thank you to “Almost.Skinny.Vegan”, “Starving Artist”, “Mich”, “EvaPuedeVolar” and “Isla Lynn”, I find you guys amazing and I want to thank you for being there for me :)

-happiness <3

Friday, October 29, 2010

all ya need is love...

na na na na na <3

ok so im down under 110 now, but im not gonna make it to 100 before halloween... which means i cant go out and i dont get to wear my costume.  i put it on today just to look at myself and deal with the fact that i fail myself.  it was a fun hour of crying and yelling at myself.

i want to give a HUGE thank u to the amazing girls who posted on my last post. with their hearts they have always known how to make me feel better. i want u guys to knwo that ur amazing and i love u <3

i read everyones blog but having a writers block so i havent commented, jsut know that im always keeping updated, just not sure wat to say other then i love u, but i felt that was too lame to post to everyone :P

i was gonna eat today, im gonna try to get into some habit of eating, and figuring out on my own how to be ok with it. purging is no longer an option, last time there was blood and i have to learn to handle myself!

i will deal with this, but on my own terms i guess.... my scale was a bad buy,,,, its haunting me now.  i think im going insane because i swear to g-d that its talking to me while im sleeping.

btw i had a weird dream last night and many of u guys were in it, like the blogs i've read. i cant really remember what happened but we were all there and talking, at like the mall or something. i remember we were looking at jeans and u guys all wanted to get a size 0 or 00 but i had to pick out a size 7 or something. weird i know :P but hey, u guys all looked amazing! so there is a plus :P

mr. funny guy and i might be legit soon, like exclusive.  i want to be happy for him, i want to be pure for him, i want to be perfect for him.  and will be.....

tomorrow ill eat, ill sit down and eat a nice meal, not binging just a real meal and ill be full and not sick after.  that is my plan. and i will succeed.
g'night, maybe tomorrow ill have better comments for everyones blogs k!

-happiness <3

Thursday, October 28, 2010

my crotch hurts!!!

now that i got ur attention :P

lols k so its 1:30am on a friday and im dying!
i cant sleep
at all
all week!

i havent been to school, or anywhere
jsut home and the gym (and my 2 shifts at work)
im depressed, my grandpa is dead, or dying.... he has a brain tumor, its taken him over, he isnt there anymore. i've givin up completely.

i have nothing left
i have no reason to get up. i've lost all my friends here. i've lost everything. even my family. my stepmom didnt realize i was home and was talking with my dad.  she said she knows everything im doing is 'jsut for attentnion' and how she 'cant handle me anymore'.  my dad came home and yelled at me to stop all my shit because it was too much for him to handle with his father dying.  i know i picked a bad time, but i want help, i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again.  i have no mirror, did i tell u?  i smashed it b/c i couldnt look at myself anymore.

i bet u guys know the feeling of trying to hide all ur habits in fear of people knowing, but do u know wat its like to cry out for help, and be told that they dont have time?

i'm finally at that point where i cant go on, i want help, i cant live forever like this.  im down to under 110 btw. my chest hurts, my ribs are lookin nice.  legs still fat, ass still there.

but i hurt, i have no strength.  i have to will to eat, or drink, or move.  i cant sleep.

it hurts too much to know that i cant get help.  why even want wat u cant have right? they dont believe me, i guess they'll only believe me when im dead and bone.  at least ill die thin......

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

i think this is a good thing...?

ok so i should be beating myself up about how on the convention i ate (A LOT) and was not able to purge because at it turns out check out was at like 10 am and we didnt leave till like 6pm, stupid i know

but i weighed myself monday morning, expecting like 115 or higher and hating myself because i only have 4 more days till halloween.... BUT A MIRACLE HAPPENED!! and i was at 111.6lb!

no real change which means that i can eat ''normal'' at stay at 111lb which means that is my LEGIT weight now!

so i can only go down right? like that is a good thing at least :S

i am going to the gym everyday this week.

went on monday, but today i slept all day until work. just got home now

i didnt eat anything but a sandwhich and some salmon (total cals aprox. 250)

feeling beyond sick and tired and irritated. seems like everyone here is in the worst mood possible and everything i say gets twisted around and forced back down my throat.  i dont know what i'm doing wrong but i wish i could just sleep until summer comes again.........

got a new phone and best part about it is i can lock certain parts..... secret thinspo pics? I THINK SO!!! :P
plus it has an app for keeping track of ur diet! lols!!!! random but cool so im using it :P

im gonna spend all tomorrow and read everyones blogs, im really behind! skipping school again because i took too make lax, and actually cant stay away from the washroom for too long :( gross sorry!

Friday, October 22, 2010

losing control...

thank u for the comments on my previous post, i just had a huge freak out and im ok now.
i know coke is bad for me no duh but it makes that nagging voice of ''eat, eat, wat harm can it do? its only probably 10 cals, dont worry ull run later and burn it off, doooo itttttt'' go away!
uch i cant stand that!
i dont blame ana for that, that is me. i am the one trying to sabotage all my hard work.  to me ana is my only friend, telling me im strong and beautiful, as long as i can resist temptation.  resist the sinful baked goods.
im gonna cut down though, only use it when i am on the edge right? i can do that, its not like i do a lot everyday. (wow i sound actually so stupid but i dont even care...)

OH! and i saw my ex boyfriend yesterday.  hadnt seen/talked to him in a year(when we broke up). i loved him so much, the onnly guy i ever TRULY loved and he left me for another girl(who he was with) but u knwo those movie moments where u cant see anything else and it seems liek time stops? well ive never had that moment before yesterday.  i swear all i could think about was how he probably thought i had gained soo much weight!!! i wish i could have been thinner when i saw him next.... damn!


im back down to 110.8lb now (had a few days of 111-113lb)

i got a convention this weekend so i dont think i'll be posting unless i need to say something (or ill explode!)

we eat all together but because im not too close with too many of the girls i think i can get away with "oh i ate in my hotelroom, and it was better then this gunk :P LOLS!" type of stuff right? that sounds so legit because all we do on these conventions i swear is eat!!!!
but hey, 3 days of fasting, ill for sure be under 110 when i get back!!

WISH ME LUCK!!!! (worst comes to worst i got my lax and ill just purge in my room).

Thursday, October 21, 2010

crying, help, no!

im scared
im actually scared
not like, oh no a spider scared
i mean like freaking out scared

i had my first nose bleed ever today
i was sitting at my kitchen table and reading and commenting on every post on ever blog i follow (if u got some comments then this was before it happened) and i got a tissue b/c my nose felt liek it was gonna run and then i looked at it and there was a bit of blood, but there always is because i snort coke a lot
but then two seconds later the blod comes pouring out all over my tights.

i cleaned myself up and waited for it to stop but it scared me so terribly!!!! ive NEVER had a nose bleed before!!!!! do u think its because of the coke??? do u think i could even quit coke now??? i dont want to b/c its keeping my hunger down. wats the different between becoming addicted to lax or vomiting or diet pills or pain killers to coke?

or wat if it is because im getting too weak from losing 10 pounds in like a week or so

btw i havent weighed myself in a bit because of the binging im just too scared.  im too scared of everything!!!

i want help, i need help, this isnt normal, but then again im never gonna be normal
and besides if i did tell anyone or if anyone found out that i got put into treatment or something then they would think im jsut looking for attention because its not like im thin or underweight

i dont need that attention or want it!!!

i balled out into tears while my nose was bleeding, now i jsut cant get over it!

im constantly cold, the hunger pains drown out the sound of my teacher talking in class and the shakes im getting from quitting smoking are actually scaring me too!

i dont knwo what to do! i jsut wanna lie in bed forever and not:
touch food because eating makes me feel nasty inside and out and not eating takes over my life. or see people because being around people makes me feel as alone as when i am alone.  or think about drugs or alcohol because all they do is fuck with my mind and make me go crazy.

im actually frantic right now, cant handle it
might take some sleeping pills to just calm me down a bit but not to sleep.

cant. handle. this.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

sleeping pills are ni.....

ce :P

lols! k so i downed like 2 sleeping pills (ur only to take one...)  and now im REALLY drowsy

typing those 2 lines took like 20 min

i wanted to say a lot today but now im all.... tired

main point is i hate today
ummmm i cant rememer now wat

k i seriously cant keep my eyes open so ill post tomorrow!!!!!!!

<3 a special shout out thank u to Isla Lynn and Almost Skinny Vegan,
u guys are amazing and inspire me to find happiness!

binge or facebook stalk???? :P


found some pics of old friends that are TINY!!! take a look:

ok so that is them! and now i wanna update from my last post :P ok so i know this is very TMI but my tummy hurt soo bad because i really had to poop.... lols
i took a bunch of lax the night before and i still hadn't pooped and so i jsut didnt think much of it but then after i had a bit to eat it got worse so i went to bed and then at like 12 or so i ran to the washroom and felt SOOO much better :P

so k i finally decided what im gonna do about them boys :P
i know im gonna sound like a complete and utter bitch but really deep down, when it comes to guys, i am.  really neither of them are 'the one' and they are gonna just move on once i move away next year so why should i let myself fall for either one right? its the smart thing to do!  im gonna date the trainer guy until im down under 100 and then once im happy with how i look im gonna date mr. funny man.  i talked to mr. funny man about it and he is ok with it as long and i promise to be with him after.

to explain the two guys ill use how my friend describes them: mr. funny man is HAWT!!!! like from jersey shore or something and he is a dealer (so ill never use his name) and he plays a bunch of sports pro and has sponsors and stuff for them :P he is the jock of all stoners and he is so full of himself but you would be too if u were that hot!!!! (and he and i have AMAZING 'alone' time ;P)
trainer guy is an old friend of mine that has liked me for a while, he is UBER sweet and nice and treats his girls like princesses but sometimes he can take his jokes a bit too far but maybe im too sensitive... he isnt HAWT but he is ADORABLE! like a big teddy bear! i dont know he is cute and fluffy and really supportive of my weight loss and he wont bother me about it ever or tell anyone which i like about him.

size 3s are getting to be a bit big so im gonna head to the store today to buy some size 1s!


Monday, October 18, 2010

balling out tears..............

My stomach is killing me! Its rumbling and making ridiculous noises and hurting :’(
I do this every week and every week i come back crying! I hate ballet! I am the fattest one in the class and i am not graceful or co-ordinated or even have the memory to remember half the steps!

class today was such a fail that i actually almost walked out at the last bit. I hate it!
I walked to and from the movie and ended up having a hand full of popcorn and that is it. Then biked to and from dance and that took about and hour in total. I burnt a lot of calories today and so im hoping that will make me feel a bit better when i see the scale tomorrow morning. I actually cant handle the sounds of my tummy so i might go chug like 2 glasses of water. I actually have to do that now or i might hurl!


BLEH MY TUMMY HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOMMYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahah lols jk no one is home, but i did eat b/c after i drank the two glasses i felt such terrible pain (like giving birth JUST KIDDING!!!) that i couldn’t handle getting up, if my parents were home i would have been screwed. Soo i ate a bit, still under 500 cals so i shouldn’t feel so bad but b/c its late in the day (10pm) i took a bunch of lax and will be skipping school tomorrow (wasnt gonna go anyways)

Im dying for some sleep so ill update the weight tomorrow, my tummy still hurts and if this pain doesn’t go away then i don’t know what im going to do............

something is wrong....

ok so im a logical thinker and for some reason this just isnt making sense..... my measurements havent changed but im down the pant size right???? like the 7s are too big and the 3s fit nicely..... you would assume that my thighs or ASS would have to have shrunk.....

todays measurements:
- chest 32''
- waste 24.5''
- tummy 31.5''
- ass 35''
- thigh 21.5''

no real difference......
idk measurements dont mean much to me, its about what i fit into (size 1s here i come!) and what i weigh...

speaking of which my weighing only in the am and after a binge/purge isnt really working... weighed myself 4 times today and the only thing ive had was water and a 10 cal vitamin water :P (btw they taste NASTY!)

im trying to take my morning pills still but its getting harder, see the ones im on now u cant take on an empty stomach and liquids dont count. they make u nauseous and mess with ur body tempt. today in class i almost died i swear, i was sweating and pale and dizzy and sick. bleh, but the food isnt worth it.... why eat when im not hungry when i dont eat when i am? that makes no sense

couldnt bike today b/c its TOO cold, buying a winter jacket soon.... winter here last about 10 months so idk what im gonna do.... usually i jsut dont exercise or eat and i end up losing weight just on my own.... ill bike to and from dance tonight b/c that is like a 45 min bike ride one direction and its better then busing :) walking on the treadmill instead while reading some awesome blogs ;)

i got this friend on the other side of the world so isnt friends with anyone where i live and he doesnt know my family so i talked to him about my ED. i keep him updated because he is very supportive, his girlfriend is such great thinspo too because she is beautiful. sadly no pic b/c i cant go through her facebook account anymore.

i g2g for now but with the movie and dance tonight i dont think ill be eating anything so hopefullly tomorrow ill be under 110 so i can finally let either trainer guy or mr. funny man ask me to be offical :D

PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHO TO PICK!!! I CANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

im gonna regret this in the morning....

BLEH i actually feel the most nauseous.... might purge, still got time to before its too late...............
NO! i said i wouldn't today, this is my fault and i have to deal with it!

walked for 2 hours to get to the program today, did good there but then came home and started the homework that was due lat week and realized i got a ton of work for the organization i still haven't done and that i got a math test this week.... i got so over whelmed that i ate... half a thing of icing, a vegan chili sandwich, a boritto, and some meat loaf......

i got 500 more words on my english story, i gotta make a booklet of information by friday (like 20-30 pages) and i got work tuesday and wednesday..... tomorrow got a movie then dance.....

k so if i can get my homework done tonight then tomorrow ill bike for the 3 hours i have between school and the movie then i got dance that night then ill burn off all these cals and ill fast tomorrow b/c i wont even have time to eat or be home!

then on tuesday work from they library on my booklet because u cant eat there then after work sleep.  same with wednesday.

thursday ill see mr. funny guy (aka this guy im seeing but not really seeing because he doesnt wanna be official so im seeing trainer man on the side)

hopefully ill survive till friday, if not then bye :P jk!
 and because of almost skinny im jstu gonna reply to people on their most recent blog posts because i really want people to see them!!!! :D
i will be 100 soon enough ;)

ok so maybe i'm a drama queen :P

im sorry! i MIGHT have over reacted about no one reading my blog :P this morning i woke up to read some new posts and i find i got 6 followers and a BUNCH of amazing comments!!! you guys are amazing and have been inspiring me for a while and seeing u guys on my blog, i dont know it just made me realize that im not as alone as i thought. :')

i got a long day today with a 4 hour program with friends. i have to go but really all we go is sit around and eat and talk, im gonna walk there(might end up being late though..) so that is about an hour and a half to two hour walk (three if i get lost :P) ill say im sick or something, i really dont feel like purging today, bleh.

yesterday i did good, munched on no calorie stuff all day jsut to keep my parents happy, but i went out with trainer guy and we went bowling and then to a movie. would have been ok b/c he doesnt eat after 7 either, but he bought me drinks.... and i got HAMMERED!!!! lols i LOVE to drink but the empty calories make me sicker then the alochol :(

had 2 beers and 5 shots.. thats 70 cals per shot and the beers were those 60 cal things (taste terrible..)

OMG i just cant thank everyone enough though! i couldnt be happier right now with the comments and everything!

so now i get to reply to them right? do i just say it here? i guess, thats wat i see other people do.... OK!

@kat: yeah i told him and he is taking me to the gym everyday now! :P  i think he is more inspired then me ;)

@EvaPuedeVolar: ill go through ur old blogs tonight and find out as much as i can, thank u.  and ya i am worried about becoming obsessed but i have a rule that i can ONLY weight myself in the morning or before and after a binge/purge. hopefully ill be able to resist knowing.

@Almost.Skinny: im gonna try mt hardest b/c i really dont think i could handle that....

@Mich: im really glad i made u smile with my comment, with urs u made my day! :D

i guess that is it! wow that felt cool, ya i know im uber lame :P you know even know the half of it ;)

Me- weight this morning = 111.4 which means a fast today!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

investing into my future

ok so i dont spend money on ANYTHING that i dont have to, and if i have to ill get my parents to pay me back by convincing them that it's really for them. and all the stuff i do get i steal, and no i dont need anyone telling me its wrong i know its wrong and i feel terrible for it but i cant afford anything. every penny i make has to go straight into savings or to drugs. BUT today i spend like 50$ on my own personal scale! the house one has been broken for a bit now and whne it was ok i was onnly allowed to weight myself once a week (and at the end of the day). now i can actually keep up with my weight loss and keep myself motivated too.

just weighed myself now (its 6pm so i got weight on me from like water and all the broccoli ive eaten today - super yummmy!) and im 112! down 2 pounds since last time and ive binged a lot sine then too!

im 2 pounds closer to my goal!


im done, im sorry, i have way too much hope in finding support online, hellz im finding more support from people here then from waisting my time with all this. i'll still be reading as many blogs as i can but im done posting. im done, there is no point. i check my stats all the time and it says that people are reading my blog but no one is commenting, no one is there for me. im getting my hopes up and they are getting crushed, i cant handle that. so unless idk a miracle happens then im done posting, i can just keep to my diary as i used to.

Halloween goal!

OK so Halloween is in what like 2 weeks? i went out last night with my cousin and bought myself the most form fitting outfit i could find. its totally me because its an army uniform and i love the military! (army chick for life babe!) but the thing is, i look DISGUSTING in it my legs bulge out, my tummy sticks out, and my ass looks a mile long. its perfect! its the perfect nmotivation i need to kick my ass into high gear! i got 3 halloween parties im supposed to go to and i gotta dress up for school, if im not down to 100 pounds and looking good in the dress then im not going ANYWHERE for halloween. i got a date tonight with that guy who is helping me work out(the one who is super supportive of me losing weight). im pretty sure he is gonna be even more supportive once he learns that i am denying myself a boyfriend until i am at 110. and with my goals its not that i 'hit' that number, it only counts as being done once i can STAY at that number and i can say that is my STEADY weight. plus the no sex thing should get his ass in high gear as well ;P LOLS!

i've been cleaning my room today, spent 2 hours on it so far... still not even clean. got all my laundry done and put away and threw out A LOT of garbage! (one full garbage bag)
it's weird, i cant stand dirt on a plate or like a spot on anything, or a hair anywhere (i actually cant STAND hair unless its liek on ur body but like little hairs make me wanna GAG!), yet i love to live in actual filth in my room...... weird.

Friday, October 15, 2010

too many thoughts....

my head is aching!

ok so a quick update:
-day three was going great, no liquids other then water and coke
- after work there was an award thing at my school and i was to get an award as well (for getting on honor roll all year last year!) my dad makes me go and for a minute while sitting there waiting for my name i was actually so excited..... i was happy, not thinking about how id look walking up there, or all the people who would be looking at me, judging me on how i look, what im wearing. then i look to the side and see on the other side of the gym my mother. that was the first time i had seen her since july..... i started to cry and then all my nerves came back. i cant really explain my relationship with my mother but jsut believe that she is the reason that i'm broken. every so often in posts i might explain a bit more here and there.
- get my award, get home (got away before she could catch up with me to talk to me)
- me and my cousin get in a HUGE fight, yelling, screaming, tears and all
- ends with me downing like 3 of those carb and fat blockers and BINGING! and when i say binging i really mean EATING EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE!!!!! i swear i probably gained a million pounds.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

fast day two

ok so i didn't get to do a real fast but i did stick to a liquid fast of as low of calories as possible. my friend bought me coffee because i was tired and i couldn't say no because i had no real excuse i could think of. i went out tonight with some guy and his friends and they were drinking and i got away with only having a few sips and just saying i wasn't feeling good. nothign solid and that is all i wanted in the first place right?

i realized that i never really do explain my days, so here is the basic everyday outline:

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

fast day one

oh wow, ok so i made it through a full day of fasting without ANYONE bothering me!!!! i really didnt think that would happen but i worked through lunch and then my parents were gone all night so no dinner, who would have thought it would be so easy.
im gonna see if i can do it again tomorrow, all liquids, no calories if possible (today was only water and diet cokes).
sadly i cant weight myself until thursday/friday. so im gonna give myself a goal. today is tuesday and ive already done day day, lets see if i can make it 3!
usually i have to stop or i break down and binge on negative calorie foods but this time i want nothing solid!

i also went by the drug store today,

Monday, October 11, 2010

liquid fast? HELLZ YEAH!

sunday calories ended up to be around 800
sadly because i didnt get to watch the food being made i had to look up the average calorie counts.
today i was doing great with no calories all day (just apples, water, diet coke and pickels -either negative calorie food or no calorie drink) but i ended up eating like 20 meatballs that my stepmom made because once again they were freaking on me! but no, they couldnt do this earlier in the day so at least id be able to exercise or purge, NOPE they decided to force me to do eat RIGHT before bed, ass holes..... whatever. tomorrow im gonna start my first legit liquid fast, usually ill end up doing one just because i didnt eat anything but never on purpose. ill wake up and drink 1L of water before i even leave the house. i dont really care if i get really bloated from all the water tomorrow because i'll just piss it out before i have to see my boyfriend (ya thats right, im starting to see that guy who is being so supportive of me losing weight, he is helping me from binging and he is gonna get me out at the gym more often, how sweet is he right????).

k it's late and im EXHAUSTED! im off to try to sleep and hopefully i wont be so sore tomorrow :P
(AND hopefully ill have a comment or two or SOMETHING because im considering stopping my blog because i jsut feel more alone then before....)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

back on track

Sorry for the lack of posting since my amazing news of being size 3 again! K so quick update, I had a full on mental breakdown, my parents almost sent me to the hospital BUT best part of my parents is they are all threats but no action! I could literally be holding a gun to my head and they won’t do anything :P without going into full detail of what I did I attempted suicide and they called me out on how I had fallen back into ANA. I would have been ok but I broke down because the guy who had raped me 2 years ago
(oct. 5th 2008) showed up at my school that day. He tried tackling me when he noticed I refused to pay attention to him and I was walking home. It was a hard day also b/c I had gotten beaten up just a few days before while walking home, yeah these three FAT ASS girls attacked me on my way home and beat me up for 20 min until someone finally stopped them. I’ve still been a bit on edge since.

K but long story short is my parents are watching me UBER hardcore, which means I have to be sneakier then ever! Mostly just binging and purging, not my favorite thing to do but its better than them calling my uncle on me (he is a health doctor or whatever u call them). I was down to 111LB before that day, now I’m back at 118lb and disgusted with the way I look! I’m guessing it’s a lot of water weight or something because I still fit into my size 3 jeans. I’m going to keep wearing them every day that way I can feel them digging in every time I even THINK about eating! I only got like 20lb to lose before I’m finally back to 100lb.

I finally told someone here about what I’ve been doing, and he was actually VERY supportive!!!! :D he is going to help me train so I can lose that 20 pounds fast! And when we hangout he keeps me from eating and he is just sooo supportive!!! I swear once I lose the weight maybe he might even look at me like in a romantically way!!! :D

Today is thanksgiving so it means family day (not just dinner...) I told them I got a stomach ache from eating so much yesterday (ya I had like half a cake but I purged it all (until water came up clear) but they don’t know that part). They believe me and I’m pretty sure are going to be pretty slack today. Ill pretend to munch on some food because I brought a plastic bag to put ‘eaten’ food into. My rents are going to have to be smarter than that to get me to be as fat as them! Hehe!!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

SIZE 3!!!!!!

yeah thats right! i went from a size 7 pants to a size 3! new measurements are coming soon and ive started on fixing my bone structure. many people dont know this but u can actually make urself thinner by bending ur bones inward! its VERY painful and it takes a long time
maybe a month straight. but ive got many belts (most child sized) and im hiding them under my clothes and tightening them every so often so that they will bend in some of my bones. that could take off another inch if done right! how amazing is that!!!! i could do some serious weight loss!

ill update soon! im doing good!!! :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

day 6:

ok so its been 6 days and i am still doing my workout. down to 113 lb and still going
13 pounds to go and 24 days left........ (btw that means i lost the .8 pounds i had before)
my family has been really on me, they are making little comments here and there and just getting on my nerves.  i had lunch with the family today and my grandma was like 'she wont gain any weight if she eats like that' and i wanted to yell 'sorry if i wont gain as much weight as my fat ass sister by eating ALL of that food!' i had a bowl of soup! thats sooooooooooooooooo much more then i needed to eat.
and today my mom decided to have a family dinner as well so i had to eat, i had like a spoon full of macaroni salad and some fake meat.
im so upset that im being watched but at the same time they are making me full terrible for eating.  if i do eat something ill pick something easy to throw up right, well my mom will always make a comment on how its not the healthier choice, but the healthier choice is gonna taste and feel horrible coming back up.  its just annoying,

uch ill be posting a bit less soon b/c my schedule seems to be getting even more hectic!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

day 3

day 3 is complete and only 27 more days to go!
7 more till i update the pictures!

as it turns out my boyfriend is gonna come in to see me in october!!!!!  which means i gotta lose a lot of weight before he comes in.  we were talking the other day and he agreed that i should lose some weight so im gonna surprise him with me losing as much as possible before he comes in.  i got 27 days to lose a min. of 20 pounds. im gonna be updating my measurements later in the evening.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Before pics

k this is me at the present moment:


i circled all the parts on my body i cant stand! all the FAT!!! the UGLY FAT! the reason that im not BEAUTIFUL!

ill post new pics every 10 days, because that is when you level up in the 30 day shred.

i did it today and im sooo sore! im gonna add some yoga poses for after so that i can get the flexibility too. and so that it hurts less.
ill keep you updated! 

height weight chart

live by this chart, 15% underweight is my goal, healthy is over rated and not as beauty as 'THIN!'

Height Weight Chart
HeightHealthy15% Under25% Under35% Under

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

DAY 1:

ok so sorry for being MIA for a bit.  things have become a bit hectic! and i hate when things go into a chaos.  i don't handle it well. things are calming down a bit.  I work full time now, 8 hour shifts. i had my first dance class and it was terrible!!! im the fattest kid in the class, i dont fit in and really i just am so bad at it.  so I created a competition between me and a friend (thats why this post is titled day one, by the way :P).   it's the 30 day shred, Juliann Michaels does it.  today was day one. i had school in the morning, work for 8 hours and then came home took a 30 min break then did the 30 min work out.  i didnt have time today but im also gonna download a 10 min yoga video for after for flexability so that i can show up all the bitches in my ballet class.  by the end of the 30 days im gonna kick all ass in my dance class.  its late and im dying of exhaustion!

im still keeping my food diary but its jsut a hassle to type it up as well.  just letting u know ive been doing great so far! NO BINGING YET!!! :D 

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Today I failed, hard! I ate sooooo much!!!! Probably like well over 1,500 cal! OMFG!!!!
That is THREE days worth of calories!!! I’m now gonna have to fast all weekend.  Friday – Sunday night, no food or anything but water.  After school I work then I’m gonna go to bed probably, then work out all day Saturday if possible then all day Sunday too if possible!  I did have plans with friends but this is more important! I NEED to lose this weight! no wait I’m supposed to say that I ‘want’ to not that I ‘have’ to :P.  So ridiculous.  I can’t even weight myself!  I get my pay check tomorrow, 50$ goes to my special friend ;) and then I still need to save up 420$..... My pay check might be about 100$.... TOPS!   Man I’m fucked. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.... I need to lose 15 pounds by the end of the month. That is my goal, how hard could it be??? I’ll start dance and when I’m not working i'll be working out. No more drinking, no getting high (just makes u want food), just smoking and lines.  No food. Food does not control me, it doesn’t own me. I own it, I decide what to eat, when to eat and if I even want to eat.  It has no power over me! And when I’m thin i'll be able to walk into any room and be noticed as the most beautiful girl in the room. Guy won’t be able to ignore me then.

holidays :(

Ok so i made it through the dinner last night by telling everyone i ate more then i did, being super sneaky! which wasn't easy at all!!!!!

i hate being watched its making everything so much harder! and today i had to eat! this is terrible! i had to go to a lunch (no choice!) and they fed me! like wouldn't leave me alone, watched me take every bite!  i ate approximately 1,000 cal!!!!! worst part is even though i came home right after, i'm being watched here too so i cant even throw up!!!
i don't know what i'm gonna do for the dinner i have in an hour!!!
i am sitting at the kids table (oh what joy) so i think i can get away with sneaking my food into the kitchen and throwing it out.

once tonight is over then the rest of the month there arent anymore worries! just make it through today and ill be home free!!!
i got 8.5 hours of work tomorrow so that will burn about 600 cal

i need to find a form of exercise that will burn about 3,000 cal that i can do everyday........... got any suggestions??????

i hate this i'm still waiting for some support but ill wait forever if i have to!