all ya need is love...

na na na na na <3

ok so im down under 110 now, but im not gonna make it to 100 before halloween... which means i cant go out and i dont get to wear my costume.  i put it on today just to look at myself and deal with the fact that i fail myself.  it was a fun hour of crying and yelling at myself.

i want to give a HUGE thank u to the amazing girls who posted on my last post. with their hearts they have always known how to make me feel better. i want u guys to knwo that ur amazing and i love u <3

i read everyones blog but having a writers block so i havent commented, jsut know that im always keeping updated, just not sure wat to say other then i love u, but i felt that was too lame to post to everyone :P

i was gonna eat today, im gonna try to get into some habit of eating, and figuring out on my own how to be ok with it. purging is no longer an option, last time there was blood and i have to learn to handle myself!

i will deal with this, but on my own terms i guess.... my scale was a bad buy,,,, its haunting me now.  i think im going insane because i swear to g-d that its talking to me while im sleeping.

btw i had a weird dream last night and many of u guys were in it, like the blogs i've read. i cant really remember what happened but we were all there and talking, at like the mall or something. i remember we were looking at jeans and u guys all wanted to get a size 0 or 00 but i had to pick out a size 7 or something. weird i know :P but hey, u guys all looked amazing! so there is a plus :P

mr. funny guy and i might be legit soon, like exclusive.  i want to be happy for him, i want to be pure for him, i want to be perfect for him.  and will be.....

tomorrow ill eat, ill sit down and eat a nice meal, not binging just a real meal and ill be full and not sick after.  that is my plan. and i will succeed.
g'night, maybe tomorrow ill have better comments for everyones blogs k!

-happiness <3

my crotch hurts!!!

now that i got ur attention :P

lols k so its 1:30am on a friday and im dying!
i cant sleep
at all
all week!

i havent been to school, or anywhere
jsut home and the gym (and my 2 shifts at work)
im depressed, my grandpa is dead, or dying.... he has a brain tumor, its taken him over, he isnt there anymore. i've givin up completely.

i have nothing left
i have no reason to get up. i've lost all my friends here. i've lost everything. even my family. my stepmom didnt realize i was home and was talking with my dad.  she said she knows everything im doing is 'jsut for attentnion' and how she 'cant handle me anymore'.  my dad came home and yelled at me to stop all my shit because it was too much for him to handle with his father dying.  i know i picked a bad time, but i want help, i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again.  i have no mirror, did i tell u?  i smashed it b/c i couldnt look at myself anymore.

i bet u guys know the feeling of trying to hide all ur habits in fear of people knowing, but do u know wat its like to cry out for help, and be told that they dont have time?

i'm finally at that point where i cant go on, i want help, i cant live forever like this.  im down to under 110 btw. my chest hurts, my ribs are lookin nice.  legs still fat, ass still there.

but i hurt, i have no strength.  i have to will to eat, or drink, or move.  i cant sleep.

it hurts too much to know that i cant get help.  why even want wat u cant have right? they dont believe me, i guess they'll only believe me when im dead and bone.  at least ill die thin......

i think this is a good thing...?

ok so i should be beating myself up about how on the convention i ate (A LOT) and was not able to purge because at it turns out check out was at like 10 am and we didnt leave till like 6pm, stupid i know

but i weighed myself monday morning, expecting like 115 or higher and hating myself because i only have 4 more days till halloween.... BUT A MIRACLE HAPPENED!! and i was at 111.6lb!

no real change which means that i can eat ''normal'' at stay at 111lb which means that is my LEGIT weight now!

so i can only go down right? like that is a good thing at least :S

i am going to the gym everyday this week.

went on monday, but today i slept all day until work. just got home now

i didnt eat anything but a sandwhich and some salmon (total cals aprox. 250)

feeling beyond sick and tired and irritated. seems like everyone here is in the worst mood possible and everything i say gets twisted around and forced back down my throat.  i dont know what i'm doing wrong but i wish i could just sleep until summer comes again.........

got a new phone and best part about it is i can lock certain parts..... secret thinspo pics? I THINK SO!!! :P
plus it has an app for keeping track of ur diet! lols!!!! random but cool so im using it :P

im gonna spend all tomorrow and read everyones blogs, im really behind! skipping school again because i took too make lax, and actually cant stay away from the washroom for too long :( gross sorry!

losing control...

thank u for the comments on my previous post, i just had a huge freak out and im ok now.
i know coke is bad for me no duh but it makes that nagging voice of ''eat, eat, wat harm can it do? its only probably 10 cals, dont worry ull run later and burn it off, doooo itttttt'' go away!
uch i cant stand that!
i dont blame ana for that, that is me. i am the one trying to sabotage all my hard work.  to me ana is my only friend, telling me im strong and beautiful, as long as i can resist temptation.  resist the sinful baked goods.
im gonna cut down though, only use it when i am on the edge right? i can do that, its not like i do a lot everyday. (wow i sound actually so stupid but i dont even care...)

OH! and i saw my ex boyfriend yesterday.  hadnt seen/talked to him in a year(when we broke up). i loved him so much, the onnly guy i ever TRULY loved and he left me for another girl(who he was with) but u knwo those movie moments where u cant see anything else and it seems liek time stops? well ive never had that moment before yesterday.  i swear all i could think about was how he probably thought i had gained soo much weight!!! i wish i could have been thinner when i saw him next.... damn!


bleh

im back down to 110.8lb now (had a few days of 111-113lb)

i got a convention this weekend so i dont think i'll be posting unless i need to say something (or ill explode!)

we eat all together but because im not too close with too many of the girls i think i can get away with "oh i ate in my hotelroom, and it was better then this gunk :P LOLS!" type of stuff right? that sounds so legit because all we do on these conventions i swear is eat!!!!
but hey, 3 days of fasting, ill for sure be under 110 when i get back!!

WISH ME LUCK!!!! (worst comes to worst i got my lax and ill just purge in my room).

crying, help, no!

im scared
im actually scared
not like, oh no a spider scared
i mean like freaking out scared

i had my first nose bleed ever today
i was sitting at my kitchen table and reading and commenting on every post on ever blog i follow (if u got some comments then this was before it happened) and i got a tissue b/c my nose felt liek it was gonna run and then i looked at it and there was a bit of blood, but there always is because i snort coke a lot
but then two seconds later the blod comes pouring out all over my tights.

i cleaned myself up and waited for it to stop but it scared me so terribly!!!! ive NEVER had a nose bleed before!!!!! do u think its because of the coke??? do u think i could even quit coke now??? i dont want to b/c its keeping my hunger down. wats the different between becoming addicted to lax or vomiting or diet pills or pain killers to coke?

or wat if it is because im getting too weak from losing 10 pounds in like a week or so

btw i havent weighed myself in a bit because of the binging im just too scared.  im too scared of everything!!!

i want help, i need help, this isnt normal, but then again im never gonna be normal
and besides if i did tell anyone or if anyone found out that i got put into treatment or something then they would think im jsut looking for attention because its not like im thin or underweight

i dont need that attention or want it!!!

i balled out into tears while my nose was bleeding, now i jsut cant get over it!

im constantly cold, the hunger pains drown out the sound of my teacher talking in class and the shakes im getting from quitting smoking are actually scaring me too!

i dont knwo what to do! i jsut wanna lie in bed forever and not:
touch food because eating makes me feel nasty inside and out and not eating takes over my life. or see people because being around people makes me feel as alone as when i am alone.  or think about drugs or alcohol because all they do is fuck with my mind and make me go crazy.

im actually frantic right now, cant handle it
might take some sleeping pills to just calm me down a bit but not to sleep.

cant. handle. this.

sleeping pills are ni.....

ce :P

lols! k so i downed like 2 sleeping pills (ur only to take one...)  and now im REALLY drowsy

typing those 2 lines took like 20 min

i wanted to say a lot today but now im all.... tired

main point is i hate today
ummmm i cant rememer now wat

k i seriously cant keep my eyes open so ill post tomorrow!!!!!!!

<3 a special shout out thank u to Isla Lynn and Almost Skinny Vegan,
u guys are amazing and inspire me to find happiness!

binge or facebook stalk???? :P

OF COURSE I PICKED FACEBOOK STALK!!!!!!

found some pics of old friends that are TINY!!! take a look:

ok so that is them! and now i wanna update from my last post :P ok so i know this is very TMI but my tummy hurt soo bad because i really had to poop.... lols
i took a bunch of lax the night before and i still hadn't pooped and so i jsut didnt think much of it but then after i had a bit to eat it got worse so i went to bed and then at like 12 or so i ran to the washroom and felt SOOO much better :P

so k i finally decided what im gonna do about them boys :P
i know im gonna sound like a complete and utter bitch but really deep down, when it comes to guys, i am.  really neither of them are 'the one' and they are gonna just move on once i move away next year so why should i let myself fall for either one right? its the smart thing to do!  im gonna date the trainer guy until im down under 100 and then once im happy with how i look im gonna date mr. funny man.  i talked to mr. funny man about it and he is ok with it as long and i promise to be with him after.

to explain the two guys ill use how my friend describes them: mr. funny man is HAWT!!!! like from jersey shore or something and he is a dealer (so ill never use his name) and he plays a bunch of sports pro and has sponsors and stuff for them :P he is the jock of all stoners and he is so full of himself but you would be too if u were that hot!!!! (and he and i have AMAZING 'alone' time ;P)
trainer guy is an old friend of mine that has liked me for a while, he is UBER sweet and nice and treats his girls like princesses but sometimes he can take his jokes a bit too far but maybe im too sensitive... he isnt HAWT but he is ADORABLE! like a big teddy bear! i dont know he is cute and fluffy and really supportive of my weight loss and he wont bother me about it ever or tell anyone which i like about him.

size 3s are getting to be a bit big so im gonna head to the store today to buy some size 1s!

12 MORE DAYS TILL HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!

balling out tears..............

My stomach is killing me! Its rumbling and making ridiculous noises and hurting :’(
I do this every week and every week i come back crying! I hate ballet! I am the fattest one in the class and i am not graceful or co-ordinated or even have the memory to remember half the steps!

class today was such a fail that i actually almost walked out at the last bit. I hate it!
I walked to and from the movie and ended up having a hand full of popcorn and that is it. Then biked to and from dance and that took about and hour in total. I burnt a lot of calories today and so im hoping that will make me feel a bit better when i see the scale tomorrow morning. I actually cant handle the sounds of my tummy so i might go chug like 2 glasses of water. I actually have to do that now or i might hurl!

{pause}

BLEH MY TUMMY HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOMMYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahah lols jk no one is home, but i did eat b/c after i drank the two glasses i felt such terrible pain (like giving birth JUST KIDDING!!!) that i couldn’t handle getting up, if my parents were home i would have been screwed. Soo i ate a bit, still under 500 cals so i shouldn’t feel so bad but b/c its late in the day (10pm) i took a bunch of lax and will be skipping school tomorrow (wasnt gonna go anyways)

Im dying for some sleep so ill update the weight tomorrow, my tummy still hurts and if this pain doesn’t go away then i don’t know what im going to do............

something is wrong....

ok so im a logical thinker and for some reason this just isnt making sense..... my measurements havent changed but im down the pant size right???? like the 7s are too big and the 3s fit nicely..... you would assume that my thighs or ASS would have to have shrunk.....

todays measurements:
- chest 32''
- waste 24.5''
- tummy 31.5''
- ass 35''
- thigh 21.5''

no real difference......
idk measurements dont mean much to me, its about what i fit into (size 1s here i come!) and what i weigh...

speaking of which my weighing only in the am and after a binge/purge isnt really working... weighed myself 4 times today and the only thing ive had was water and a 10 cal vitamin water :P (btw they taste NASTY!)

im trying to take my morning pills still but its getting harder, see the ones im on now u cant take on an empty stomach and liquids dont count. they make u nauseous and mess with ur body tempt. today in class i almost died i swear, i was sweating and pale and dizzy and sick. bleh, but the food isnt worth it.... why eat when im not hungry when i dont eat when i am? that makes no sense

couldnt bike today b/c its TOO cold, buying a winter jacket soon.... winter here last about 10 months so idk what im gonna do.... usually i jsut dont exercise or eat and i end up losing weight just on my own.... ill bike to and from dance tonight b/c that is like a 45 min bike ride one direction and its better then busing :) walking on the treadmill instead while reading some awesome blogs ;)

i got this friend on the other side of the world so isnt friends with anyone where i live and he doesnt know my family so i talked to him about my ED. i keep him updated because he is very supportive, his girlfriend is such great thinspo too because she is beautiful. sadly no pic b/c i cant go through her facebook account anymore.

i g2g for now but with the movie and dance tonight i dont think ill be eating anything so hopefullly tomorrow ill be under 110 so i can finally let either trainer guy or mr. funny man ask me to be offical :D

PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHO TO PICK!!! I CANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im gonna regret this in the morning....

BLEH i actually feel the most nauseous.... might purge, still got time to before its too late...............
NO! i said i wouldn't today, this is my fault and i have to deal with it!

walked for 2 hours to get to the program today, did good there but then came home and started the homework that was due lat week and realized i got a ton of work for the organization i still haven't done and that i got a math test this week.... i got so over whelmed that i ate... half a thing of icing, a vegan chili sandwich, a boritto, and some meat loaf......

i got 500 more words on my english story, i gotta make a booklet of information by friday (like 20-30 pages) and i got work tuesday and wednesday..... tomorrow got a movie then dance.....

k so if i can get my homework done tonight then tomorrow ill bike for the 3 hours i have between school and the movie then i got dance that night then ill burn off all these cals and ill fast tomorrow b/c i wont even have time to eat or be home!

then on tuesday work from they library on my booklet because u cant eat there then after work sleep.  same with wednesday.

thursday ill see mr. funny guy (aka this guy im seeing but not really seeing because he doesnt wanna be official so im seeing trainer man on the side)

hopefully ill survive till friday, if not then bye :P jk!
 and because of almost skinny im jstu gonna reply to people on their most recent blog posts because i really want people to see them!!!! :D
THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR BEING THERE FOR ME!!!!!!!!
i will be 100 soon enough ;)

ok so maybe i'm a drama queen :P

im sorry! i MIGHT have over reacted about no one reading my blog :P this morning i woke up to read some new posts and i find i got 6 followers and a BUNCH of amazing comments!!! you guys are amazing and have been inspiring me for a while and seeing u guys on my blog, i dont know it just made me realize that im not as alone as i thought. :')

i got a long day today with a 4 hour program with friends. i have to go but really all we go is sit around and eat and talk, im gonna walk there(might end up being late though..) so that is about an hour and a half to two hour walk (three if i get lost :P) ill say im sick or something, i really dont feel like purging today, bleh.

yesterday i did good, munched on no calorie stuff all day jsut to keep my parents happy, but i went out with trainer guy and we went bowling and then to a movie. would have been ok b/c he doesnt eat after 7 either, but he bought me drinks.... and i got HAMMERED!!!! lols i LOVE to drink but the empty calories make me sicker then the alochol :(

had 2 beers and 5 shots.. thats 70 cals per shot and the beers were those 60 cal things (taste terrible..)

OMG i just cant thank everyone enough though! i couldnt be happier right now with the comments and everything!

so now i get to reply to them right? do i just say it here? i guess, thats wat i see other people do.... OK!

@kat: yeah i told him and he is taking me to the gym everyday now! :P  i think he is more inspired then me ;)

@EvaPuedeVolar: ill go through ur old blogs tonight and find out as much as i can, thank u.  and ya i am worried about becoming obsessed but i have a rule that i can ONLY weight myself in the morning or before and after a binge/purge. hopefully ill be able to resist knowing.


@Almost.Skinny: im gonna try mt hardest b/c i really dont think i could handle that....


@Mich: im really glad i made u smile with my comment, with urs u made my day! :D


i guess that is it! wow that felt cool, ya i know im uber lame :P you know even know the half of it ;)

Me- weight this morning = 111.4 which means a fast today!

investing into my future

ok so i dont spend money on ANYTHING that i dont have to, and if i have to ill get my parents to pay me back by convincing them that it's really for them. and all the stuff i do get i steal, and no i dont need anyone telling me its wrong i know its wrong and i feel terrible for it but i cant afford anything. every penny i make has to go straight into savings or to drugs. BUT today i spend like 50$ on my own personal scale! the house one has been broken for a bit now and whne it was ok i was onnly allowed to weight myself once a week (and at the end of the day). now i can actually keep up with my weight loss and keep myself motivated too.

just weighed myself now (its 6pm so i got weight on me from like water and all the broccoli ive eaten today - super yummmy!) and im 112! down 2 pounds since last time and ive binged a lot sine then too!

im 2 pounds closer to my goal!

I QUIT ALL OF THIS!

im done, im sorry, i have way too much hope in finding support online, hellz im finding more support from people here then from waisting my time with all this. i'll still be reading as many blogs as i can but im done posting. im done, there is no point. i check my stats all the time and it says that people are reading my blog but no one is commenting, no one is there for me. im getting my hopes up and they are getting crushed, i cant handle that. so unless idk a miracle happens then im done posting, i can just keep to my diary as i used to.

Halloween goal!

OK so Halloween is in what like 2 weeks? i went out last night with my cousin and bought myself the most form fitting outfit i could find. its totally me because its an army uniform and i love the military! (army chick for life babe!) but the thing is, i look DISGUSTING in it my legs bulge out, my tummy sticks out, and my ass looks a mile long. its perfect! its the perfect nmotivation i need to kick my ass into high gear! i got 3 halloween parties im supposed to go to and i gotta dress up for school, if im not down to 100 pounds and looking good in the dress then im not going ANYWHERE for halloween. i got a date tonight with that guy who is helping me work out(the one who is super supportive of me losing weight). im pretty sure he is gonna be even more supportive once he learns that i am denying myself a boyfriend until i am at 110. and with my goals its not that i 'hit' that number, it only counts as being done once i can STAY at that number and i can say that is my STEADY weight. plus the no sex thing should get his ass in high gear as well ;P LOLS!

i've been cleaning my room today, spent 2 hours on it so far... still not even clean. got all my laundry done and put away and threw out A LOT of garbage! (one full garbage bag)
it's weird, i cant stand dirt on a plate or like a spot on anything, or a hair anywhere (i actually cant STAND hair unless its liek on ur body but like little hairs make me wanna GAG!), yet i love to live in actual filth in my room...... weird.

too many thoughts....

my head is aching!

ok so a quick update:

-day three was going great, no liquids other then water and coke

- after work there was an award thing at my school and i was to get an award as well (for getting on honor roll all year last year!) my dad makes me go and for a minute while sitting there waiting for my name i was actually so excited..... i was happy, not thinking about how id look walking up there, or all the people who would be looking at me, judging me on how i look, what im wearing. then i look to the side and see on the other side of the gym my mother. that was the first time i had seen her since july..... i started to cry and then all my nerves came back. i cant really explain my relationship with my mother but jsut believe that she is the reason that i'm broken. every so often in posts i might explain a bit more here and there.

- get my award, get home (got away before she could catch up with me to talk to me)

- me and my cousin get in a HUGE fight, yelling, screaming, tears and all

- ends with me downing like 3 of those carb and fat blockers and BINGING! and when i say binging i really mean EATING EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE!!!!! i swear i probably gained a million pounds.

fast day two

ok so i didn't get to do a real fast but i did stick to a liquid fast of as low of calories as possible. my friend bought me coffee because i was tired and i couldn't say no because i had no real excuse i could think of. i went out tonight with some guy and his friends and they were drinking and i got away with only having a few sips and just saying i wasn't feeling good. nothign solid and that is all i wanted in the first place right?

i realized that i never really do explain my days, so here is the basic everyday outline:

fast day one

oh wow, ok so i made it through a full day of fasting without ANYONE bothering me!!!! i really didnt think that would happen but i worked through lunch and then my parents were gone all night so no dinner, who would have thought it would be so easy.

im gonna see if i can do it again tomorrow, all liquids, no calories if possible (today was only water and diet cokes).
sadly i cant weight myself until thursday/friday. so im gonna give myself a goal. today is tuesday and ive already done day day, lets see if i can make it 3!

usually i have to stop or i break down and binge on negative calorie foods but this time i want nothing solid!

i also went by the drug store today,

liquid fast? HELLZ YEAH!

sunday calories ended up to be around 800
sadly because i didnt get to watch the food being made i had to look up the average calorie counts.

today i was doing great with no calories all day (just apples, water, diet coke and pickels -either negative calorie food or no calorie drink) but i ended up eating like 20 meatballs that my stepmom made because once again they were freaking on me! but no, they couldnt do this earlier in the day so at least id be able to exercise or purge, NOPE they decided to force me to do eat RIGHT before bed, ass holes..... whatever. tomorrow im gonna start my first legit liquid fast, usually ill end up doing one just because i didnt eat anything but never on purpose. ill wake up and drink 1L of water before i even leave the house. i dont really care if i get really bloated from all the water tomorrow because i'll just piss it out before i have to see my boyfriend (ya thats right, im starting to see that guy who is being so supportive of me losing weight, he is helping me from binging and he is gonna get me out at the gym more often, how sweet is he right????).

k it's late and im EXHAUSTED! im off to try to sleep and hopefully i wont be so sore tomorrow :P

(AND hopefully ill have a comment or two or SOMETHING because im considering stopping my blog because i jsut feel more alone then before....)

back on track

Sorry for the lack of posting since my amazing news of being size 3 again! K so quick update, I had a full on mental breakdown, my parents almost sent me to the hospital BUT best part of my parents is they are all threats but no action! I could literally be holding a gun to my head and they won’t do anything :P without going into full detail of what I did I attempted suicide and they called me out on how I had fallen back into ANA. I would have been ok but I broke down because the guy who had raped me 2 years ago
(oct. 5^th 2008) showed up at my school that day. He tried tackling me when he noticed I refused to pay attention to him and I was walking home. It was a hard day also b/c I had gotten beaten up just a few days before while walking home, yeah these three FAT ASS girls attacked me on my way home and beat me up for 20 min until someone finally stopped them. I’ve still been a bit on edge since.

K but long story short is my parents are watching me UBER hardcore, which means I have to be sneakier then ever! Mostly just binging and purging, not my favorite thing to do but its better than them calling my uncle on me (he is a health doctor or whatever u call them). I was down to 111LB before that day, now I’m back at 118lb and disgusted with the way I look! I’m guessing it’s a lot of water weight or something because I still fit into my size 3 jeans. I’m going to keep wearing them every day that way I can feel them digging in every time I even THINK about eating! I only got like 20lb to lose before I’m finally back to 100lb.

I finally told someone here about what I’ve been doing, and he was actually VERY supportive!!!! :D he is going to help me train so I can lose that 20 pounds fast! And when we hangout he keeps me from eating and he is just sooo supportive!!! I swear once I lose the weight maybe he might even look at me like in a romantically way!!! :D

Today is thanksgiving so it means family day (not just dinner...) I told them I got a stomach ache from eating so much yesterday (ya I had like half a cake but I purged it all (until water came up clear) but they don’t know that part). They believe me and I’m pretty sure are going to be pretty slack today. Ill pretend to munch on some food because I brought a plastic bag to put ‘eaten’ food into. My rents are going to have to be smarter than that to get me to be as fat as them! Hehe!!!!