Friday, October 29, 2010
ok so im down under 110 now, but im not gonna make it to 100 before halloween... which means i cant go out and i dont get to wear my costume. i put it on today just to look at myself and deal with the fact that i fail myself. it was a fun hour of crying and yelling at myself.
i want to give a HUGE thank u to the amazing girls who posted on my last post. with their hearts they have always known how to make me feel better. i want u guys to knwo that ur amazing and i love u <3
i read everyones blog but having a writers block so i havent commented, jsut know that im always keeping updated, just not sure wat to say other then i love u, but i felt that was too lame to post to everyone :P
i was gonna eat today, im gonna try to get into some habit of eating, and figuring out on my own how to be ok with it. purging is no longer an option, last time there was blood and i have to learn to handle myself!
i will deal with this, but on my own terms i guess.... my scale was a bad buy,,,, its haunting me now. i think im going insane because i swear to g-d that its talking to me while im sleeping.
btw i had a weird dream last night and many of u guys were in it, like the blogs i've read. i cant really remember what happened but we were all there and talking, at like the mall or something. i remember we were looking at jeans and u guys all wanted to get a size 0 or 00 but i had to pick out a size 7 or something. weird i know :P but hey, u guys all looked amazing! so there is a plus :P
mr. funny guy and i might be legit soon, like exclusive. i want to be happy for him, i want to be pure for him, i want to be perfect for him. and will be.....
tomorrow ill eat, ill sit down and eat a nice meal, not binging just a real meal and ill be full and not sick after. that is my plan. and i will succeed.
g'night, maybe tomorrow ill have better comments for everyones blogs k!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
lols k so its 1:30am on a friday and im dying!
i cant sleep
i havent been to school, or anywhere
jsut home and the gym (and my 2 shifts at work)
im depressed, my grandpa is dead, or dying.... he has a brain tumor, its taken him over, he isnt there anymore. i've givin up completely.
i have nothing left
i have no reason to get up. i've lost all my friends here. i've lost everything. even my family. my stepmom didnt realize i was home and was talking with my dad. she said she knows everything im doing is 'jsut for attentnion' and how she 'cant handle me anymore'. my dad came home and yelled at me to stop all my shit because it was too much for him to handle with his father dying. i know i picked a bad time, but i want help, i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again. i have no mirror, did i tell u? i smashed it b/c i couldnt look at myself anymore.
i bet u guys know the feeling of trying to hide all ur habits in fear of people knowing, but do u know wat its like to cry out for help, and be told that they dont have time?
i'm finally at that point where i cant go on, i want help, i cant live forever like this. im down to under 110 btw. my chest hurts, my ribs are lookin nice. legs still fat, ass still there.
but i hurt, i have no strength. i have to will to eat, or drink, or move. i cant sleep.
it hurts too much to know that i cant get help. why even want wat u cant have right? they dont believe me, i guess they'll only believe me when im dead and bone. at least ill die thin......
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
but i weighed myself monday morning, expecting like 115 or higher and hating myself because i only have 4 more days till halloween.... BUT A MIRACLE HAPPENED!! and i was at 111.6lb!
no real change which means that i can eat ''normal'' at stay at 111lb which means that is my LEGIT weight now!
so i can only go down right? like that is a good thing at least :S
i am going to the gym everyday this week.
went on monday, but today i slept all day until work. just got home now
i didnt eat anything but a sandwhich and some salmon (total cals aprox. 250)
feeling beyond sick and tired and irritated. seems like everyone here is in the worst mood possible and everything i say gets twisted around and forced back down my throat. i dont know what i'm doing wrong but i wish i could just sleep until summer comes again.........
got a new phone and best part about it is i can lock certain parts..... secret thinspo pics? I THINK SO!!! :P
plus it has an app for keeping track of ur diet! lols!!!! random but cool so im using it :P
im gonna spend all tomorrow and read everyones blogs, im really behind! skipping school again because i took too make lax, and actually cant stay away from the washroom for too long :( gross sorry!
Friday, October 22, 2010
i know coke is bad for me no duh but it makes that nagging voice of ''eat, eat, wat harm can it do? its only probably 10 cals, dont worry ull run later and burn it off, doooo itttttt'' go away!
uch i cant stand that!
i dont blame ana for that, that is me. i am the one trying to sabotage all my hard work. to me ana is my only friend, telling me im strong and beautiful, as long as i can resist temptation. resist the sinful baked goods.
im gonna cut down though, only use it when i am on the edge right? i can do that, its not like i do a lot everyday. (wow i sound actually so stupid but i dont even care...)
OH! and i saw my ex boyfriend yesterday. hadnt seen/talked to him in a year(when we broke up). i loved him so much, the onnly guy i ever TRULY loved and he left me for another girl(who he was with) but u knwo those movie moments where u cant see anything else and it seems liek time stops? well ive never had that moment before yesterday. i swear all i could think about was how he probably thought i had gained soo much weight!!! i wish i could have been thinner when i saw him next.... damn!
im back down to 110.8lb now (had a few days of 111-113lb)
i got a convention this weekend so i dont think i'll be posting unless i need to say something (or ill explode!)
we eat all together but because im not too close with too many of the girls i think i can get away with "oh i ate in my hotelroom, and it was better then this gunk :P LOLS!" type of stuff right? that sounds so legit because all we do on these conventions i swear is eat!!!!
but hey, 3 days of fasting, ill for sure be under 110 when i get back!!
WISH ME LUCK!!!! (worst comes to worst i got my lax and ill just purge in my room).
Thursday, October 21, 2010
im actually scared
not like, oh no a spider scared
i mean like freaking out scared
i had my first nose bleed ever today
i was sitting at my kitchen table and reading and commenting on every post on ever blog i follow (if u got some comments then this was before it happened) and i got a tissue b/c my nose felt liek it was gonna run and then i looked at it and there was a bit of blood, but there always is because i snort coke a lot
but then two seconds later the blod comes pouring out all over my tights.
i cleaned myself up and waited for it to stop but it scared me so terribly!!!! ive NEVER had a nose bleed before!!!!! do u think its because of the coke??? do u think i could even quit coke now??? i dont want to b/c its keeping my hunger down. wats the different between becoming addicted to lax or vomiting or diet pills or pain killers to coke?
or wat if it is because im getting too weak from losing 10 pounds in like a week or so
btw i havent weighed myself in a bit because of the binging im just too scared. im too scared of everything!!!
i want help, i need help, this isnt normal, but then again im never gonna be normal
and besides if i did tell anyone or if anyone found out that i got put into treatment or something then they would think im jsut looking for attention because its not like im thin or underweight
i dont need that attention or want it!!!
i balled out into tears while my nose was bleeding, now i jsut cant get over it!
im constantly cold, the hunger pains drown out the sound of my teacher talking in class and the shakes im getting from quitting smoking are actually scaring me too!
i dont knwo what to do! i jsut wanna lie in bed forever and not:
touch food because eating makes me feel nasty inside and out and not eating takes over my life. or see people because being around people makes me feel as alone as when i am alone. or think about drugs or alcohol because all they do is fuck with my mind and make me go crazy.
im actually frantic right now, cant handle it
might take some sleeping pills to just calm me down a bit but not to sleep.
cant. handle. this.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
lols! k so i downed like 2 sleeping pills (ur only to take one...) and now im REALLY drowsy
typing those 2 lines took like 20 min
i wanted to say a lot today but now im all.... tired
main point is i hate today
ummmm i cant rememer now wat
k i seriously cant keep my eyes open so ill post tomorrow!!!!!!!
<3 a special shout out thank u to Isla Lynn and Almost Skinny Vegan,
u guys are amazing and inspire me to find happiness!
ok so that is them! and now i wanna update from my last post :P ok so i know this is very TMI but my tummy hurt soo bad because i really had to poop.... lols
i took a bunch of lax the night before and i still hadn't pooped and so i jsut didnt think much of it but then after i had a bit to eat it got worse so i went to bed and then at like 12 or so i ran to the washroom and felt SOOO much better :P
so k i finally decided what im gonna do about them boys :P
i know im gonna sound like a complete and utter bitch but really deep down, when it comes to guys, i am. really neither of them are 'the one' and they are gonna just move on once i move away next year so why should i let myself fall for either one right? its the smart thing to do! im gonna date the trainer guy until im down under 100 and then once im happy with how i look im gonna date mr. funny man. i talked to mr. funny man about it and he is ok with it as long and i promise to be with him after.
trainer guy is an old friend of mine that has liked me for a while, he is UBER sweet and nice and treats his girls like princesses but sometimes he can take his jokes a bit too far but maybe im too sensitive... he isnt HAWT but he is ADORABLE! like a big teddy bear! i dont know he is cute and fluffy and really supportive of my weight loss and he wont bother me about it ever or tell anyone which i like about him.
12 MORE DAYS TILL HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, October 18, 2010
I do this every week and every week i come back crying! I hate ballet! I am the fattest one in the class and i am not graceful or co-ordinated or even have the memory to remember half the steps!
class today was such a fail that i actually almost walked out at the last bit. I hate it!
I walked to and from the movie and ended up having a hand full of popcorn and that is it. Then biked to and from dance and that took about and hour in total. I burnt a lot of calories today and so im hoping that will make me feel a bit better when i see the scale tomorrow morning. I actually cant handle the sounds of my tummy so i might go chug like 2 glasses of water. I actually have to do that now or i might hurl!
BLEH MY TUMMY HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOMMYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahah lols jk no one is home, but i did eat b/c after i drank the two glasses i felt such terrible pain (like giving birth JUST KIDDING!!!) that i couldn’t handle getting up, if my parents were home i would have been screwed. Soo i ate a bit, still under 500 cals so i shouldn’t feel so bad but b/c its late in the day (10pm) i took a bunch of lax and will be skipping school tomorrow (wasnt gonna go anyways)
Im dying for some sleep so ill update the weight tomorrow, my tummy still hurts and if this pain doesn’t go away then i don’t know what im going to do............
- chest 32''
- waste 24.5''
- tummy 31.5''
- ass 35''
- thigh 21.5''
no real difference......
idk measurements dont mean much to me, its about what i fit into (size 1s here i come!) and what i weigh...
speaking of which my weighing only in the am and after a binge/purge isnt really working... weighed myself 4 times today and the only thing ive had was water and a 10 cal vitamin water :P (btw they taste NASTY!)
im trying to take my morning pills still but its getting harder, see the ones im on now u cant take on an empty stomach and liquids dont count. they make u nauseous and mess with ur body tempt. today in class i almost died i swear, i was sweating and pale and dizzy and sick. bleh, but the food isnt worth it.... why eat when im not hungry when i dont eat when i am? that makes no sense
couldnt bike today b/c its TOO cold, buying a winter jacket soon.... winter here last about 10 months so idk what im gonna do.... usually i jsut dont exercise or eat and i end up losing weight just on my own.... ill bike to and from dance tonight b/c that is like a 45 min bike ride one direction and its better then busing :) walking on the treadmill instead while reading some awesome blogs ;)
i got this friend on the other side of the world so isnt friends with anyone where i live and he doesnt know my family so i talked to him about my ED. i keep him updated because he is very supportive, his girlfriend is such great thinspo too because she is beautiful. sadly no pic b/c i cant go through her facebook account anymore.
i g2g for now but with the movie and dance tonight i dont think ill be eating anything so hopefullly tomorrow ill be under 110 so i can finally let either trainer guy or mr. funny man ask me to be offical :D
PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHO TO PICK!!! I CANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
NO! i said i wouldn't today, this is my fault and i have to deal with it!
walked for 2 hours to get to the program today, did good there but then came home and started the homework that was due lat week and realized i got a ton of work for the organization i still haven't done and that i got a math test this week.... i got so over whelmed that i ate... half a thing of icing, a vegan chili sandwich, a boritto, and some meat loaf......
i got 500 more words on my english story, i gotta make a booklet of information by friday (like 20-30 pages) and i got work tuesday and wednesday..... tomorrow got a movie then dance.....
k so if i can get my homework done tonight then tomorrow ill bike for the 3 hours i have between school and the movie then i got dance that night then ill burn off all these cals and ill fast tomorrow b/c i wont even have time to eat or be home!
then on tuesday work from they library on my booklet because u cant eat there then after work sleep. same with wednesday.
thursday ill see mr. funny guy (aka this guy im seeing but not really seeing because he doesnt wanna be official so im seeing trainer man on the side)
hopefully ill survive till friday, if not then bye :P jk!
and because of almost skinny im jstu gonna reply to people on their most recent blog posts because i really want people to see them!!!! :D
THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR BEING THERE FOR ME!!!!!!!!
i will be 100 soon enough ;)
i got a long day today with a 4 hour program with friends. i have to go but really all we go is sit around and eat and talk, im gonna walk there(might end up being late though..) so that is about an hour and a half to two hour walk (three if i get lost :P) ill say im sick or something, i really dont feel like purging today, bleh.
yesterday i did good, munched on no calorie stuff all day jsut to keep my parents happy, but i went out with trainer guy and we went bowling and then to a movie. would have been ok b/c he doesnt eat after 7 either, but he bought me drinks.... and i got HAMMERED!!!! lols i LOVE to drink but the empty calories make me sicker then the alochol :(
had 2 beers and 5 shots.. thats 70 cals per shot and the beers were those 60 cal things (taste terrible..)
OMG i just cant thank everyone enough though! i couldnt be happier right now with the comments and everything!
so now i get to reply to them right? do i just say it here? i guess, thats wat i see other people do.... OK!
@kat: yeah i told him and he is taking me to the gym everyday now! :P i think he is more inspired then me ;)
@EvaPuedeVolar: ill go through ur old blogs tonight and find out as much as i can, thank u. and ya i am worried about becoming obsessed but i have a rule that i can ONLY weight myself in the morning or before and after a binge/purge. hopefully ill be able to resist knowing.
@Almost.Skinny: im gonna try mt hardest b/c i really dont think i could handle that....
@Mich: im really glad i made u smile with my comment, with urs u made my day! :D
i guess that is it! wow that felt cool, ya i know im uber lame :P you know even know the half of it ;)
Me- weight this morning = 111.4 which means a fast today!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
just weighed myself now (its 6pm so i got weight on me from like water and all the broccoli ive eaten today - super yummmy!) and im 112! down 2 pounds since last time and ive binged a lot sine then too!
im 2 pounds closer to my goal!
i've been cleaning my room today, spent 2 hours on it so far... still not even clean. got all my laundry done and put away and threw out A LOT of garbage! (one full garbage bag)
it's weird, i cant stand dirt on a plate or like a spot on anything, or a hair anywhere (i actually cant STAND hair unless its liek on ur body but like little hairs make me wanna GAG!), yet i love to live in actual filth in my room...... weird.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
sadly i cant weight myself until thursday/friday. so im gonna give myself a goal. today is tuesday and ive already done day day, lets see if i can make it 3!
Monday, October 11, 2010
sadly because i didnt get to watch the food being made i had to look up the average calorie counts.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Sorry for the lack of posting since my amazing news of being size 3 again! K so quick update, I had a full on mental breakdown, my parents almost sent me to the hospital BUT best part of my parents is they are all threats but no action! I could literally be holding a gun to my head and they won’t do anything :P without going into full detail of what I did I attempted suicide and they called me out on how I had fallen back into ANA. I would have been ok but I broke down because the guy who had raped me 2 years ago
(oct. 5th 2008) showed up at my school that day. He tried tackling me when he noticed I refused to pay attention to him and I was walking home. It was a hard day also b/c I had gotten beaten up just a few days before while walking home, yeah these three FAT ASS girls attacked me on my way home and beat me up for 20 min until someone finally stopped them. I’ve still been a bit on edge since.
K but long story short is my parents are watching me UBER hardcore, which means I have to be sneakier then ever! Mostly just binging and purging, not my favorite thing to do but its better than them calling my uncle on me (he is a health doctor or whatever u call them). I was down to 111LB before that day, now I’m back at 118lb and disgusted with the way I look! I’m guessing it’s a lot of water weight or something because I still fit into my size 3 jeans. I’m going to keep wearing them every day that way I can feel them digging in every time I even THINK about eating! I only got like 20lb to lose before I’m finally back to 100lb.
I finally told someone here about what I’ve been doing, and he was actually VERY supportive!!!! :D he is going to help me train so I can lose that 20 pounds fast! And when we hangout he keeps me from eating and he is just sooo supportive!!! I swear once I lose the weight maybe he might even look at me like in a romantically way!!! :D
Today is thanksgiving so it means family day (not just dinner...) I told them I got a stomach ache from eating so much yesterday (ya I had like half a cake but I purged it all (until water came up clear) but they don’t know that part). They believe me and I’m pretty sure are going to be pretty slack today. Ill pretend to munch on some food because I brought a plastic bag to put ‘eaten’ food into. My rents are going to have to be smarter than that to get me to be as fat as them! Hehe!!!!