To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Friday, December 24, 2010


my blog has been found by my cousin
im leaving for good
KD and i are going to last forever
i'm gonna get better, and im gonna get help
3 inches until a size one and 5 pounds from 100......
i'm gonna be healthy and happy, because i deserve it
and so do all of u!
get help, be truly happy!
ill see u all in my dreams i guess......

Saturday, December 11, 2010

im sorry...

im going away for a bit..... im very sorry to waste everyones time...... me and KD are in love.....  i need to be perfect, i need to be pure

i need to be beautiful.............

ill be back..... maybe
if i deserve it
new years in 21 days
6 pounds to go..... i have no life anymore
i just lay with him
i miss school

its consumed me............. im going away for a bit.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

an all day post...

i dont got much to say so im probably gonna be writing this all day
its like noon now and i got home from school, took a shower and now salt flushing!
this morning at school i swear i almost broke down and cried in class! i actually cant handle the people there... like k i sit with the russian israelis in my math class because i dont know i guess i'm friends with them.... but they treat me like shit, but its all jokes?  like k can any one explain to me how u can think of someone as a friend but always joke with them and call them 'bitch' and al this crap! and like k i know hebrew so sometimes they will talk about me in russian or hebrew and i know wat they are saying and they always are just talking shit about me.... and i never say anything!  once in class one of them was yelling at me because he was mad about something and he was swearing at me and like calling me names and stuff and this guy who sits a bit over jsut butt in and was like 'hey! u DONT talk to girls like that!"  - i thanked him after but everyday its the same, i always feel like such shit after math....

me and KD are legit now :P im hoping me and him last!!! if u havent noticed i always think everything will work out but after like a week or two its over, then by the next week i got someone new!!! :P

oho btw isla lynn reminded me that i didnt tell u wat happened to chef :P ya he dumped me because he wanted a second job and didnt think it would be fair to me that we would NEVER see each other basically.... this was the first time ANYONE has ever broken up with me!!!! and it was a change that i wasnt prepared for so of course i had a major panic attack and thats why i left for a bit, just to deal with all that :P

i can deal with change... as long as im prepared for it, like i know in advanced and i can get my mind set into it!

i REALLY like KD, see unlike the last few bfs we talked a lot before we decided to be more then friends, and i decided to be fully honest with him. of course there is still a lot of me he doesnt know about, like my 'sexual' history (aka me being taken advantage of for my first few times of sex.. i cant say the 'r' word still...)  or about my bad past boyfriends (aka being beat and such).  but i told him about my family, and my childhood and about my panic attacks and my commitment issues and i also told him that i dont eat a lot in a day because im jsut not hungry (i had to because he always goes like 'u sure u dont want to grab a bite to eat' if we are the mall :P)

channuka started last night.... its basically an 8 day christmas.. aka many many dinners... but because of my grandpa this year we rnt celebrating channuka or christmas because it jsut feels wrong to celebrate while he is so sick.... :(

still havent weighed myself... im actually terrified! for the past two days ive been under 300 cals and been keeping busy but not hitting the gym... salt flushed today and now im gonna drink like 4 water bottles (100 oz?) and get rid of some of this water weight!!! then tomorrow morning i will weigh myself and then ill know what i'm dealing with because i got 29 more days till new years.... im not starting 2011 being over 100lb..... i refuse too...
oh wow when i just read that i jsut realized it sounds like id kill myself if im not under 100lb... no i wont, ill jst be very upset i guess?  i dont know, im trying not to cut or anything because i dont want KD to know im insane :P  (yet)  ive been trying to find a different way to unleash the energy, so far i've been taking VERY cold showers and siting there until im numb and about to pass out,,,,, its not as dangerous and it does make me feel better so that is good!!!!??? :P

oh wow i guess i did have a lot to say because now its only 1:30 :P

i guess ill post this and then post again tomorrow!
i love u girls forever and always and yeah im caught up now on everyones blogs but really i just stil havent found words to comment... is it ok if i jsut comment on a post saying i read the post and that i love u guys and like that im here for u still ? or shoudl i like comment and try to have advice... because i really jsut dont know wat to say to many of u because i feel like ull get better advice from someone else...  opinions??????

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

not all of me came back....

i'm sorry for just ditching everyone like that... i actually couldnt feel worse. im spending all night tonight catching up on blogs.

i had another minor break down... smashed my scale, tore up my journals, and burnt some pictures of thinspo i could find in the moment.... parents seriously want me committed.....

thats why i had to leave, i needed to think. i baked, a lot. 2 apple pies, 1 cheery pie, 84 cup cakes, 42 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, 4 batches of sugar cookies, 21 muffins, a kugel (jewish egg noodle dish), potato pancakes, and matzo ball soup (jewish soup, with eggs?) lols

i cooked and i baked and ate a breakfast, a lunch and a dinner.....  i didnt look in mirrors that went lower then my shoulders, couldnt weigh myself and my measuring tape was taken away......

for the past two days i got my scale back, measuring tape back and my panic attacks back... they are getting worse then ever before. before i used to be able to hide them and still function, that way no one knew other then my family.  now i cant do anything, they are taking longer to go away and they are making me break down each time.

i got a new guy, we shall call him.... KD lols like the macaroni :P  im in a good mood now, i swaer he is perfect, he is jsut like me and he thinks im perfect, we talked all night last night (as i caught up on peoples blogs, still not done!) like legit for over 10 hours we jsut talked <3
i swear he is jsut amazing and he is so nice and sweet and truly is interested in me!!!! :D

i havent weighed myself, my dreams are getting more real every night and i keep thinking i have weighed myself and im back at 118lb, i dont know if i am, and i dont know if im not.... maybe today ill weigh myself... im scared, im scared on wat the number will say..... if i have to cut or not today....

maybe ill do it tomorrow.... ive been traying to eat at least breakfast and dinner, but keeping bother under or around 200 cals

my metabolism boosters are amazing!!!! <3 they keep me up and feeling good! :)

my grandpa is going soon.. he cant talk, walk, think or remember anymore..... he is like a vegetable that my grandma wants on fucking strings like a puppet because she is too cared to give him up!  i lost him months ago, when we first found out he had a brain tumor so i'm dealing in my own way.... mostly pain but hey, at least i dont got a vegetable husband being paraded around my house.  fucking crazy woman.......

i love and i missed u all <3 actually couldnt stop thinking about u guys and the craziness in ur lives!!! :P

i wish i could say im off coke... but i still do it every now and again... im cutting down b/c i still have some left.  i've had about 2 g's for about a month now so i think that is pretty good!!!! :P  i just take a lil bit here and there just to get me going again bu then when im out ill crash and be done with it!

k ill post again soon lovelies! i hpe ur days were filled with happiness and love and thin thoughts!!! <3