To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

thoughts in a moment

rent are killing me slowly,
cocaine is life,
eating makes you fat and unwanted,
friends are temporary,
boys are good for sex,
have no feelings or be punished,

wait "talk back!"

rents are trying to help, not their fault they are dumb.
coke did nothing for me and ruined my life
eating is necessary to survive, ur attitude makes u unwanted
friends are only in ur life if u let them be
boys can be ur best friend and ur lover if u show them ur heart
its not having feelings its the way u express them that can get u in trouble!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

my fat ass tummy!!!!

so went to KD's today.... usually when im there its a super light dinner and i can get away with picking how much i want.... KD took me to tim hortons! bought me the chilli combo with a whole wheat roll and a doughnut!!! WTF!!!!!  but i'm really trying to eat and purging chillly would have been death! so i had some of the chilli then tried to like 'playfully' feed him the rest so i didnt have to eat it..... after like 4 spoon fulls he caught on and after that he wouldnt let me not finish my food :(
 i even had to have the doughnut!!! i felt so fat! i was wearing a belt around my waist and it kept popping off!!! i wanted to just break down and cry, or purge my stomach out!

i ended up not purging and i did cry a bit but he just reassured me that he loves me and that i'm perfect just the way i am and no matter what he will never leave me..... i really dont believe him still.... no one loves fat people but fat people.

i was tracing his bones today, he is so skinny. im so jealous, he didnt have dinner either.  i wanna be thin i wanna be thin and graceful and beautiful and when i step in a room everyone notices and is jealous! i wanna be able to wear anything with out looking like the fat cow trying too hard to fit into her jeans!

told my dad today that i'm moving to my moms.... didnt go well.... i just am sick and tired of everything i do not being good enough, i already know that it isnt and i dont need them telling me as well!!!!

i will get through this stupid fucking program and i will be happy and i will love myself and i will have a nice and normal life!!!!!!!

i want babies, i want babies and i want them to be happy, not crazy like me, or my mom.  i want the most perfect beautiful and happy precious child <3

what do u want in a kid one day????

Monday, April 4, 2011

Sunday, April 3, 2011

end of the first week

its sunday which means its been one week since i was biting my nails down terrified for Day Program.  the girls just call it program.  the week was spring break so there was no school there but ill give a review of wat we did.
get there at like 8am - breakfast as a group once everyone is there - then we got free time for a bit -  then snack as a group - either free time or like a group activity - lunch- group stuff - snack - home at 4pm

the girls are really nice, i was so scared they were gonna look at me and be like 'she is too fat to be here' or think that i just wanted attention or that idk i was faking it.  i was terrified! but i got there and they are so nice!!!! they are so much like me too.  im very awkward though so i made jokes a lot to make things less nervous because i was soo awkward! by the end of the week me and the girls are good friends! YAY I HAVE FRIENDS!!!! :P

the food isn't so bad, hellz id eat all of it right up if i was allowed to purge! but knowing u gotta keep it all down is just so fucking hard!!!!  u cant be in the bathroom without the outter door open and someone always has to flush for u (like one of the staff) .  we arent allowed to exercise but we do get 15 min a day for fresh air. thats when i go for my smoke, the other girls go down into the underground part and run to burn some cals.

me and KD are on 4 months now and this morning i woke up and i thoguht he had called me in the night to yell at me. i yelled at him this morning for it and he laughed then said he woudl call me later. he didnt call me back, i called him back and asked if we were gonna talk about this and he said he woudl call me back.  took 4 calls from me for him to tell me that it didnt really happen and it was a dream.. it felt so real though! i remember the conversation so clearly though! i remember it! but then again my dreams have been getting worse and worse, i just wish he had told me it was a dream the first time i called him and yelled at him.  he still hasnt talk to me about it, i dont know wat is keeping him so busy today :S

oh i've lost 5 pounds while being in treatment... i think they are gonna get pissed at me :S  i dont wanna gain, if i stop purging and eat wat they want and just dont gain... why cant it be like that!!! :(
i've been trying to keep my purging on a all time low... its hard but im trying and that is wat matters...

every weekend u make goals for the weekend, mine were to spend more time at home and i was here all weekend.  also to eat dinner twice this weekend, so far i ate dinner last night and i even kept most of it down!  imma eat dinner today too!  oh and to see a friend this weekend but im not gonna do that in the end b/c its snowing... oh and get my hair cut, i will do that today.  im painting my nails today really fancy and imma do a mask on my face... im focusing all my energy into my looks so maybe i can actually get through the days....

imma post more often i promise, i've just been in such a rut this week. havent told my friends yet or my mom....

i'm setting a new rule that i will only see KD on weekends so ill be home a bit more often... i try to spend as much time with him as i can so that i dont gotta be home :S

i've been toldo ne of my followers has nominated me for a blogger award, personally i dont see why anyone would do that.... i dont even know wat they are! id LOVE if someone coudl tell me what they even are?? i know i wont win but im secretly very excited to even be nominated.. :S

<3 i love u girls with all my heart and truely hope all of you fine the peace in your heart that g0d owes u, and that u deserve! <3

stay strong and happy,

sincerely Happiness <3