To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

u dont actually have to read this one (its just a weird dream i had, nothing important just sayin :P)

ok so this post isnt really that interesting or necessary but i REALLY wanted u guys to know! i had THE WEIRDEST dream last night!!!!! like k so im at home sitting in my bed and the doorbell rings... guess who it is... YOU! like actually it was just a girl with black hair and she was really skinny and she says to me "happiness??? OMG!!! it is u! oh wow i cant believe i found u!"  after i figured it out i invited her in (idk how to explain 'her' but it was all of u guys like all ur personalities in this one girl!) we talked in my room for a bit, like she told me how she just bought new skinnies (size 00) and i told her how i grew back into my old size 7s :(
we talked about sex, sexuality (aka my lezz or bi friends and hers too, idk why!) then we went outside for a walk, and we ran into some of my old guy friends.  one i used to date for a while (running back-football coach now) and we went for a drive with them, and she was texting me the whole time.. nothing really interesting but we were best friends, like idk how to explain it, we made inside jokes, laughed, talked about everything, had no secrets.... she was my best friend and she just randomly came to find me!  but it wasnt just one girl (although ill admit when i woke up i thought it was Isla Lynn) it was all of u guys...

i guess i've really gotten close to a lot of u girls, more then i thought :)
you guys are more then just my 'online friends' you guys support me and make me feel loved.  you are my family when i have no one to turn to. and its not just a one sided friendship, i love and support each and every one of u! i wish that one day all my weird dreams of meeting u guys come true! maybe one day... (my life goal is to travel soo.....)

who is up for a good laugh???

lol k so i know that my last few posts where very... upsetting and thank u all for caring so much about me! i've been skipping my happy pills and getting back to my old self has been a little bit of a roller coaster ride :P

had my date with chef tonight! and im so ready to post the most hilarious blog post ever.... i got 'hurt' during sex today :P

ok ok i know i wasnt gonna have sex, i even left my condoms at home so that we COULDNT! but he is just so hot... and i didnt eat all day... and i weighed myself and was at 107 still..... and i only ate one piece of pizza while out with him.... and i stopped my period this morning.... k so of course i couldnt resist him!


b/c i hadnt had my period for like... 5 months and just had it i was a bit sore still... and so after having sex twice my... south end region was very dry... and very chaffed... i now basically have like rug burn.. UP there!

very ichy and very painful :P

and very funny! :D

thats wat i get for trying to break my rules!!!! karma kicks my ass ! :P
im in a good mood, gonna try to find a gym i can get to b/c of all this snow i cant get to my old one... it'll take three times longer to walk around the feild!

did good for food today... 700 cals... (mostly that pizza and the cofffee i had today) but burned off over 1,000 cals from all the work and stuff(sex) today :P

i think to make this post even funnier im just gonna post some funny jokes i can find online :P
please dont be offended i tend to have a sick sense of humor...




You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.

u know what! im gonna make a jokes page!!! i love jokes and i find that the diet ones always make me laugh and take my mind off eating!!!! ill update my thinspo AND make a page for jokes! i do love to laugh to keep my mind off eating! :P

im hoping ur all having a great day! and happiness finds u everywhere! <3 and im still up to date on everyones blogs but a few of u need to keep posting! there hasnt been a new post from a few of u in a bit!!! (not ok!) :P

BYEZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D <3

****edit: and on a super happy note, i told him i got really sick from eating so much with him (2 slices of veggie pizza) so now he promises to stop trying to make me eat (like taking me out for fatty food) and wont pressure my into eating a lot!  i feel kinda bad about tricking him but i need him to not make me fat... lols**********

Monday, November 22, 2010

scared half to death?

i weighed myself this morning and was down to 107 so im like "oh ok well then if i eat like nothing today ill be down to 100 in no time!" so i didnt go to school but had work at about 12:30pm, tookmy morning meds (including the new diet meds) and then had coffee (6 cups, 30 cals).... turns out i didnt have work so i got there, took my other dose of diet pills and then headed back home... here is where everything went downhill!!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

not. handling, well....

hey, gots a new follower! well if u were hoping to read a happy post im very sorry to disappoint......
convention wasnt as terrible as i thought... i did eat (which means i did not see chef today) but i kept under 1,000 cals each day.  today i am at 166 cals [few sips of apple juice, a cucumber, and 2 cups of broccoli] and im not going to go past 200 cals for the next week.... got my period today for the first time since june which means that "week of eating normal" worked and now im going right back into basically fasting, i refuse to eat enough to get my period! thats my indicator that im eating too much!  not gonna weigh myself for a bit.... im too scared now!  im gonna stop taking my happy pills.... im changing my mind about getting help, im not ready, i dont deserve it, im not sick enough for it to be a real issue, im still at a "healthy" weight.

this weekend i had to plan, run and participate in a 'body image' program.... awkward? yes, i did it but after i cried for an hour, luckily no one found out.... i caught up on all ur blogs but didnt comment, but i promise im keeping updated i just am overly exhausted from this weekend!

current plan:  eat as minimal as possible (no more then 200 cals)
drink 3-4 of my water bottles a day
take my ADD pills but throw out my happy pills
take my new diet pills (they are to speed up my metabolism, not get rid of my appetite because those give me a nasty crash which leads to a binge!)

ok so im dying, i need to sleep, ill do a better post tomorrow or something and ill get to commenting soon too!

u guys are wat gets me through! <3 love u all i hope u know....
oh and i wanna show u guys something hilarious!
on the convention i ended up getting pied in the face TWICE! (luckily i hate pie so i didnt eat any!) but here is a pic!!!

***EDIT: i didnt wanna make a new post for this but i weighed myself this morning and im at 107lb! which means im still keeping to my plan and ill keep ya'll updated! (but it also means im happier and not gonna cry all day :P)****

Friday, November 19, 2010

insanity at its finest :D

ok so i had my appointment today to get evaluated for actual help for all this CRAP! and i have been refered to a bunch of ED doctors and addiction doctors and depression doctors and all this CRAP! basically right now the only thing keeping me from breaking down from all of this happening too fast is those damn happy pills! im going crazy in my head, i cant stop shaking and i got a convention all weeekend!
super fun!!!
i got new pills that will speed up my metabolism, im hoping they work, i didnt eat this morning when i took them and i wasnt planning on eating till sunday, but my body had different plans, i have work in an hour and i couldnt stop(stil cant) stop shaking, i almost fainted but i caught myself, and really, im not functioning well..... im also coked out of my mind...... im not surviving well am i?

i wont be able to post much this weekend (doubt there will even be service) but ill try my hardest to stay updated on ur blogs and ill be updating when i get back.... i wish i could just die in a hole and never do anything again.....

at 163 cals so far today (90 from yogurt and 7 from grapes and 67 from 1 chicken ball)  i love this site thing, it makes me not worry as much as long as i can put in every detail of my days im good :)

got work for 3 hours so ill burn 450 cals there b/c its gonna be crazy busy b/c its snowing like mad outside (which means no gym for a while as i cant get there now! i used to walk through a feild and i dont knwo another way just yet!)
i have to go now but ill miss u guys, i dont knwo how im gonna survive this weekend, i kinda just wanna die in my room and not go anywhere or do anything ever again..... sorry for the lack of happiness...

positive point: chef is amazing and still wit me! and i love him wit all my heart! <3 i swear he is perfection! (and so skinny is so hot!)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

right? left? upside down? backwards?

AHHHHHHHHHHHH damn u mind!!!!! i cant even think straight! damn u fucking happy pills, damn u fucking boy, damn u fucking parents, damn u fucking cousin, damn u fucking grandma!, damn u fucking grandfather, damn u fucking friends and damn u fucking food!!!!!!!!!

the fucking happy pills are fucking my head up! and the boy isnt helping!

last night to make it up to me for ditching on sunday he wanted to take me out for cake and a movie... but of course that sounded terrible to me so we went for cake, i picked at it.... he talked to me about all the restaurants and different foods he wants me to try... i almost threw up just thinking about it :(

then to burn off the cake and the broccoli i had in the morning i decided we were just gonna have sex :P  we did it three times and in between we would like cuddle up and ask questions about life or just talk <3  but then.... he just says "you know what, i've never seen you eat"  my heart drops and i very quickly say "i eat, i ate that cake, and that veggy burger at ur restaurant!!!!" we talked for a bit, and i had to just tell him that i dont like to eat a lot in front of guys im trying to impress... he bought it and left me alone for a bit.

after all our frisky fun (aka he needed to eat something ;P) we went to A&W, i said i'd eat the veggie burger, only 300 cal and i didnt eat all day so that i could without wanting to purge after. but i had to get dressed first so he turns on the light so we can find my clothes... i hide under my sweater and then of course he wants to have a conver on why he cant see my naked in the light!  i tell him that one day he will (when im down about 10 pounds!) and he give up again and lets it go...... im really scared he might be bad for me!  he is coming over today for lunch, im gonna see if he just wants to have sex instead or if i can say i already ate....

i really am falling for him, hard, but if all he does is make me eat....
im gonna eat today b/c i gots another doctor appointment today..... iim thinking to get me off this plateau and to get the boy off my back i might eat like 1,000 cals a day (and leave the gym a lone for a bit... or at least not as much) for a week or so.... stay at this weight but eating more might make my body think that its like it was before and it will drop as quickly as it did before too (none of that made sense, sorry! i dont really know what i wanted to say :P)

fasting all weekend, no if's and's or but's! if i want to see chef when i get back then i cant eat on this convention! all the food is crap and nasty!

he is texting me!!!! he texted good morning when he woke up (so i was still alseep :P) but we did talk and he said he is gonna get better at it! and i told him about my grandpa and he said he will definitely be there for me when i need him <3

my online food diary is still amazzing :P im always in the negitives which makes me happy :) but now i want to be a min. of 800 cals positive? does that sound good? idk it sounds really high, my first number was gonna be 500.... bleh i hate this, why cant i jsust be normal and happy and fat.  wouldnt it take less energy to love myself for being a whale then it does to make myself beautiful :P  lol i could just be a fat whale sitting around my house all day, devouring cakes, chocolate, meats and all the little people who would try to walk by me... just pick them up and eat them too! id be like a house! just eating everything and everyone... i wonder who would love me then........

(p.s. still on coke, cant give it up.... i have some left and i dont have the power to throw it out....)

-----------------------------------------EDIT***--------------------------just wanted to add some pics i took before chef came over for some snooky time during his lunch break ;)

my cute little outfit so we can have sex with the lights and he still cant see me....
looks how fat my thighs and ass are :(
my massive curve is actually disgusting, but u can see a bit of light between my legs, its about a 1 fingers width gap, still not good enough... :(
my flabby tummy and 3 ribs, and my ass that chef loves(idk why) and my fat thighs!
one thing i like is that without pushing it out my neck bones are so defined! all my back bones and shoulder bones look good, nothing else does though... :(

he liked my outfit and got away with wearing it the whole time, while he wass here though an "i love u" almost slipped from my lips... not ok!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

oh my grandma!

ok so my grandma is the TINIEST woman.. but she is also anorexic :P  my family has been trying to get her to eat healthy for years.  she is my inspiration!
well i'm the most exhausted so i wasnt gonna post an update until tomorrow after my date with chef but she sent me some pics of me when i was a kid (and thin) so i decided that i will post them

here they are:

look how tiny my legs are!!!!!!! i was..... in grade 8 or 9 i think :P

TINY!!!!! i miss this :(

ya that is a 3D puzzle, i used to be obsessed with them, like i did that one in like... 2 days :P

miss that long hair too..... ill post an update on stuff tomorrow k!
BYE MY LOVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
e-mail is (like it? me too!)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

well that lasted a while....

no me and chef didnt break up..... yet.....  he is amazing, he is the most perfect guy for me but he has no time ever for me.  he doesnt work on wednesdays and sundays, today is sunday, so i thought id see him, he said we would go for dinner (i wasnt excited for that but i was to see him!) but he is now canceling on me because he hasnt seen his family since last sunday and is going for dinner with them.  ok so u'd think that at least ill see hiim on wednesday right? wrong, he has to work an event that night and he couldnt say no because he got chosen because he is just so awesome.... so im happy for him, right? i guess.... but then ill see him next sunday of course, oh wait.... maybe not because i get home from my convention (yes another one) that day and ill be exhausted and probably not in the mood to see anyone (seeing as i always hate how much i eat on these weekends!)

oh sorry ill update on my ED before i go on k :  ABC diet is going good... i've decided that i cant do that fasting days because my family is still watching me like a hawk.  so ill just put those ones to like 100 cals, thats basically just my daily amount of coffee :P

salt water flushed this morning, im completely empty and it makes me feel a bit better seeing as my heart feels the same.....

im gonna get him to call me to see if he wants to do something before his dinner, i got a hair cut and my nails done and shaved yesterday so i am basically all done up for him........ but i wont see him for like a week maybe!

i require more attention then this..... even if we only saw each other 2 times a week thats ok, but we like dont text because he never texts me, and i feel like im bugging him when i do :(  and i dont think we have ever talked on the phone even, always in person or over text or facebook :(

wat do u do when u have ur perfect man...... but u dont ever get to have him?  if that makes sense.....

p.s. actually this site is my life! :
u can make an account, and become friends with people! and then u can see the stuff they are tracking! is basically the food portion of wat we do on here but so much more high tech and in detail and amazing!

i put my cal goal to 800 cals (the lowest they will allow) that way ill make sure i never go over it!!!!! :)

Friday, November 12, 2010

side effects may include lack of appetite?

i dont know what it is but since i started the ABC diet (2 days ago) i've actually been under my daily allowance! yesterday i was allowed 500 cals but i only ate 230 (most of that was coffee) and walked around the mall for 4 hours so i burned in total all day like 1,000 cals with all the other exercise i did :P

i swear this site is g-d sent! no more having to memorize what number i'm at (i can memorize the number of each food but i suck and remembering wat number im at today vs. the number from the day before and all the other numbers in my head!) plus u can track ur exercise and it calculates it all for u! and organizes it all into suck pretty charts and graphs! (i love charts and graphs and being organized with information!)
seriously check out this site!

i am feeling a lot less hungry since i had sex with chef, but that was also the day i started my new dosage of my happy pills... idk which one is making me happy :S

i swear i could fall in love with chef, like legit love.... im getting older and everyone in my family gets married pretty young.... who knows but im trying to be good.

i broke it with mr. funny guy, 100% we are through! no more communication!

i told trainer guy that he could have his 300$ or our friendship, he chose our friendship but then started yelling at me and treating me like shit b/c of wat happened and so im gonna call him today and tell him that its his last choice, money or me? and if he picks me that he has to treat me with respect! i dont deserve his rudeness!!

i weighed myself to day and im at 108.0!!!! on the dot eh? wat a pretty number :)

i have decided im giving up coke, i gotta, im gonna stay home today and research as much as possible but ill also tell my therapist... maybe... i dont want her telling my parents b/c they will actually murder me!

i should probably take my ADD pills before i post b/c i never have a nice order to my thoughts.... well too late now! i've already started :P

oh btw i gots a new follower today :) HEY YOU!!!!! :D!!!!!

lols, ok so today is 300 cals and i bet at least half of that will be coffee..... wish me luck not on my calorie goal... but on quitting coke... i really have no clue wat im doing with my life anymore........ but i do know i want to be pure, pure from drugs, alcohol and the toxic poison we are fed everyday!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

ABC diet

ok so i broke my goal and had crazy hot sex with chef in his car. totally worth it because now he is my boyfriend and oh man i love him!  he is PERFECT! legit everything i have ever wanted in a guy! ill maybe do a cheesy lovey post later, no one needs/wants to hear me rant about that! :P

ok so morning weight was 109.2lb and so i decided to get off this plateau im on of hovering in the 110 zone im gonna start the ABC diet.  today was 500 cals and i did it, but it was all junk... aka 467 cals of a cinnamon bun and then just coffee with chef....after hot amazing sex!

lols sorry im actually so rattled by the fact that he is the most amazing guy on earth and it was his first time and we talked about it and like he likes my body so much... of course the car was pitch black and we didnt have ANY lights on, he tried to turn them on after when getting dressed but i told him i wasnt ok with it.... he didnt ask.... he was pretty good but like his personality and his jokes and his smile and his eyes and OMG! im sorry im too rattled to make a real post so long story short:

- abc diet started, and will be kept for the full 50 days!
- salt water flush tomorrow to help with the start of this diet
- sex instead of chocolate <3
- and i gotta figure out a way to be with the guy who loves food so much and respects it soo much... even though i consider it poison sent from satin himself.....

btw check out this site! its an online food diary and u can also track ur exercise! im sorry i love all things technical so online stuff makes me excited!
its super cool and easy to use! (plus no one can find it and use it against u.....(cough, cough my cousin cough)

yeah ok

g'night!!!! (btw i actually now just check everyones blog like 3 times a day to see if they updated... i need a life...)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

wishing i couldnt sleep...

my dreams have been haunting me for a while now... i havent said anything b/c i thought they would go away.  they are getting worse....

last night i had a dream that i stepped on my scale and it broke, like as if paper......
a few others but they all are getting realer, where ill wake up and i have no clue if they really happened or not. like ill have a dream where i checked my cell and got a text, but then wake up to find that i didnt get that text at all.... i dont know, its just weirding me out.

salt water flushed yesterday and today, was 108 today so i guess my body is wanting that sex more then i thought! :P

Sunday, November 7, 2010


ok before i start my HUGE rant, i wanna say that i figured out a way so that when i open my browser i just press a button and all my fav blogs open into new tabs so i dont have to go through my dashboard!!!

my list of fav blogs:                                                                                    

lols k! now that im done that.... RANT!!!!!

ok so im an epic fail at relationships.
quick list:
- i fear to commit; only wanna have sex; terrified of emotions (especially other peoples); overly jealous; very paranoid; trust issues; i cheat a lot; i lie a lot with no reason, just do!; but the number one reason i suck at relationships is.... because i fall in love so quick......

all i want is love, its all i think about(when not sex :P) and im starting to really fall for this new guy.. i cant remember if i gave him a nickname or not yet... oh ya chef (lols i put chief for the other one :P damn spell check!) but thing is, its been a week since i met him, i know its not love but its me and i so deperatly want love that i think it is.... but i want this to work so im playing cool :P but i want sex.... and i know that he is really iffy on me because i had a boyfriend when we first hooked up so i want to show him i can be legit. so i cant have sex behind his back... and i cant have sex with him yet b/c i want him to be my boyfriend(aka exclusive) first.... OMG!!! I HATE LIFE!!!!!!!!!! boo this shit!  plus he never texts me first, i always text him and he always seems super interested in my but then he will jsut stop texting the next daybut he wont admit to falling asleep?  we were to see each other yesterday but he jsut stopped texting! hopefully he will text me or somethign today and we can hang out.....

well on a good note im 109 still and binging like crazy becuase of this no sex thing. its actually driving my BONKERS!!! its been well over a month now and ive gotten NOTHING! past making out and chef got under my shirt but eh, really nothing. :(

im gonna get down to 105 by next week i hope at the latest!

bleh really only thoughts in my head are him and sex, or havng sex with him. oh wait! wanna know how i know that i got it bad for this boy??? i stopped thinking about how great the sex was with mr. funny guy. i dont even WANNA have sex with him. man i got it bad.... :(

Thursday, November 4, 2010

WARNING! *SEX POST* (no details though i just say 'sex' a lot :P)

wats worse, binging or breaking a weight goal....?

i want sex :(
its been like maybe 3 weeks and i've had to turn down my ex (while we were dating) and now this new guy... i really miss sex :(

i didnt binge today, i went to the gym, i have my pretty little happy pills (which i noticed people are jealous of, they havent worked yet, but i am supposed to gigve them a week or so, ill keep ya updated).  i'm being good! but i still got like 3 pounds to go before sex..... im not enjoying this one bit!

i have always been called a slight nymphomaniac (<-spelt it right on my first try!). and so i thought that this goal would really 'motivate' me. and it really is but oh man i just wanna get laid!!!!!

*this is my convincing myself to have sex btw*: sex is good for weight loss, u burn calories, and u cant eat during it. and after all ur thinking about is how good(or bad) it was.... and it burns like up to 800 cals per 30 min or something.... i have gone a weekend not eating at all and just having sex with my boyfriend (stayed there for the weekend, AMAZING!) it would help be GET to my goal....

did that work??? does anyone believe me???

wats worse? breaking the whole promise to my self thing with no sex till im 105, or replacing sex with chocolate which i have a tendency to do and have been doing...
please post ur votes!!!!!

im happy????

starving artist

ok so my date went AMAZING!!!! he picked me up for the movie, during he put his arm around me <3 and welll... its me :P so we ended up hardcore making out in the theater, like my hand almost down his pants..... :P
then we had like a hour and a half until i had to be home so we talked a lot, asked a lot of questions, really got to know each other..... then hardcore made out in his car.... we had no shirt for most of it :P

HE IS SOOO HOT!!!!! i actually thought he was just cute and like he probably wouldnt have a body but.... ;)
and we have so much in common and what we dont is like things that are interesting and like we can jsut talk about them! :)  i'm happy.... right?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

how to deal with stupid....

I never learnt :P

My stupid act was telling my parents I was unhappy. They did get me some help but oh my I got a few words on that! But first I’d like to explain how my parents think it’s a good way to deal with my depression and ED: telling me about other people who have died in the world (like random people in prisons!), telling me that because of my actions that they are ‘upset’ (aka I’m the reason they aren’t happy! AWESOME right?), telling me that I’m not trying hard enough to ‘fix myself’ (I LEGIT HAVE BEEN SCARFING DOWN TUMS TO KEEP FOOD DOWN!) and oh my favourite is getting mad at me for forgetting little things! Like I’m trying my damn hardest to make it through my days, I REALLY don’t need them adding to it! 

On to my rant about the ‘help’ I’m supposed to be getting.  I’m trying my best to be honest but I’m not dumb, I know that they will tell my parents things so I didn’t tell them about the coke, but I had to see this one lady and MAN SHE WAS STUPID!!!!!! My stepmom told her my ‘unhealthy food relationship’ started only a month or two ago and because of my grandpa.  I decided to tell her the truth about how I’ve been dealing with this since I was in grade 6 or 8 (depends on how bad u have to be to declare it unhealthy...) and then fucking 3 or 4 more times she would say that it started a few months ago, and every time I had to correct her!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!! Like I don’t handle stupid well............. I really don’t.

Sorry for the rant :P but oh man I would have been better dealing with this on my own...........

Quick update..... haven’t eaten yet.... I had some veggies here and there but sadly now I’m stricter than ever with my calories, it’s like I’m scared to eat? I wanna sit down and eat but I feel like everyone is watching me and I can’t handle it!  Last night I got yelled at so terribly I just couldn’t handle it anymore and I cut, that’s right I cut and didn’t carve... which is weird for me because I hate the idea of unorganized and reasonless pain (I’m weird :P) but I didn’t want to die.... but I slit my wrist. And deeper than ever before, I could see my veins, I was careful to go around, it was like I was digging out my wrist. Sorry too much info but the image hasn’t left my head..........

Me and Mr. Funny guy are no longer anything more than friends, I refuse to get into a life like that, he is cold and doesn’t care about anything!  I met someone new and we are going out tomorrow.  Issue with him is he is a chief.... BUT uber adorable and has the most amazing blue eyes! 

Btw I have a new trick to keep myself on track, I tied a string around my waist, measured at exactly 24’’.  If my measurement goes past that it HURTS and if it’s loose then I am pain free. Right now it’s loose and I’m happy.

I don’t know how to tag other bloggers but I want to give a special thank you to “Almost.Skinny.Vegan”, “Starving Artist”, “Mich”, “EvaPuedeVolar” and “Isla Lynn”, I find you guys amazing and I want to thank you for being there for me :)

-happiness <3