To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!

QUICK NEWS!!!:

- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

my fat ass tummy!!!!

so went to KD's today.... usually when im there its a super light dinner and i can get away with picking how much i want.... KD took me to tim hortons! bought me the chilli combo with a whole wheat roll and a doughnut!!! WTF!!!!!  but i'm really trying to eat and purging chillly would have been death! so i had some of the chilli then tried to like 'playfully' feed him the rest so i didnt have to eat it..... after like 4 spoon fulls he caught on and after that he wouldnt let me not finish my food :(
 i even had to have the doughnut!!! i felt so fat! i was wearing a belt around my waist and it kept popping off!!! i wanted to just break down and cry, or purge my stomach out!

i ended up not purging and i did cry a bit but he just reassured me that he loves me and that i'm perfect just the way i am and no matter what he will never leave me..... i really dont believe him still.... no one loves fat people but fat people.

i was tracing his bones today, he is so skinny. im so jealous, he didnt have dinner either.  i wanna be thin i wanna be thin and graceful and beautiful and when i step in a room everyone notices and is jealous! i wanna be able to wear anything with out looking like the fat cow trying too hard to fit into her jeans!

told my dad today that i'm moving to my moms.... didnt go well.... i just am sick and tired of everything i do not being good enough, i already know that it isnt and i dont need them telling me as well!!!!

i will get through this stupid fucking program and i will be happy and i will love myself and i will have a nice and normal life!!!!!!!

i want babies, i want babies and i want them to be happy, not crazy like me, or my mom.  i want the most perfect beautiful and happy precious child <3

what do u want in a kid one day????

4 comments:

Dani said...

when i have kids some day i just want them to bhappy and healthy thats all
i glad that ur still doing the program its gonna take time hun just stay strong

Starving Artist said...

Eww I hate being force fed :/
Good luck with your move.
My kid.. I just want a happy kid honestly. Not spoiled, but not deprived, one thats not afraid to be who /they/ want to be and knows I'll love them no matter what that happens to be and knows they can come to me with problems and I won't judge.

pixiestix14 said...

Honey you will get through the pain and the tears! Those who love you love what's inside you!
As for a kid..just happiness and love :)

Anonymous said...

If you want your kids to be happy and healthy YOU have to be healthy and happy. When your in program, the point is to expose you to food and what is healthy and normal eating. I know its hard in recovery to think that what you are given is normal because its NOT what your used to. Try and think that the other girls are going through the same thing, and that a lot of people have to recover weight, which means Chili, doughnut, and dinner roll would probably the one SMALL meal in the week. I know it's really hard. Especially when you think your doing well and then those thoughts come back. But don't beat yourself up, push on through.

If it helps my dad gave me an 800 calorie breakfast today:D

-Program Girl