so went to KD's today.... usually when im there its a super light dinner and i can get away with picking how much i want.... KD took me to tim hortons! bought me the chilli combo with a whole wheat roll and a doughnut!!! WTF!!!!! but i'm really trying to eat and purging chillly would have been death! so i had some of the chilli then tried to like 'playfully' feed him the rest so i didnt have to eat it..... after like 4 spoon fulls he caught on and after that he wouldnt let me not finish my food :(
i even had to have the doughnut!!! i felt so fat! i was wearing a belt around my waist and it kept popping off!!! i wanted to just break down and cry, or purge my stomach out!
i ended up not purging and i did cry a bit but he just reassured me that he loves me and that i'm perfect just the way i am and no matter what he will never leave me..... i really dont believe him still.... no one loves fat people but fat people.
i was tracing his bones today, he is so skinny. im so jealous, he didnt have dinner either. i wanna be thin i wanna be thin and graceful and beautiful and when i step in a room everyone notices and is jealous! i wanna be able to wear anything with out looking like the fat cow trying too hard to fit into her jeans!
told my dad today that i'm moving to my moms.... didnt go well.... i just am sick and tired of everything i do not being good enough, i already know that it isnt and i dont need them telling me as well!!!!
i will get through this stupid fucking program and i will be happy and i will love myself and i will have a nice and normal life!!!!!!!
i want babies, i want babies and i want them to be happy, not crazy like me, or my mom. i want the most perfect beautiful and happy precious child <3
what do u want in a kid one day????
- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!