end of the first week

its sunday which means its been one week since i was biting my nails down terrified for Day Program.  the girls just call it program.  the week was spring break so there was no school there but ill give a review of wat we did.
get there at like 8am - breakfast as a group once everyone is there - then we got free time for a bit -  then snack as a group - either free time or like a group activity - lunch- group stuff - snack - home at 4pm

the girls are really nice, i was so scared they were gonna look at me and be like 'she is too fat to be here' or think that i just wanted attention or that idk i was faking it.  i was terrified! but i got there and they are so nice!!!! they are so much like me too.  im very awkward though so i made jokes a lot to make things less nervous because i was soo awkward! by the end of the week me and the girls are good friends! YAY I HAVE FRIENDS!!!! :P

the food isn't so bad, hellz id eat all of it right up if i was allowed to purge! but knowing u gotta keep it all down is just so fucking hard!!!!  u cant be in the bathroom without the outter door open and someone always has to flush for u (like one of the staff) .  we arent allowed to exercise but we do get 15 min a day for fresh air. thats when i go for my smoke, the other girls go down into the underground part and run to burn some cals.

me and KD are on 4 months now and this morning i woke up and i thoguht he had called me in the night to yell at me. i yelled at him this morning for it and he laughed then said he woudl call me later. he didnt call me back, i called him back and asked if we were gonna talk about this and he said he woudl call me back.  took 4 calls from me for him to tell me that it didnt really happen and it was a dream.. it felt so real though! i remember the conversation so clearly though! i remember it! but then again my dreams have been getting worse and worse, i just wish he had told me it was a dream the first time i called him and yelled at him.  he still hasnt talk to me about it, i dont know wat is keeping him so busy today :S

oh i've lost 5 pounds while being in treatment... i think they are gonna get pissed at me :S  i dont wanna gain, if i stop purging and eat wat they want and just dont gain... why cant it be like that!!! :(
i've been trying to keep my purging on a all time low... its hard but im trying and that is wat matters...

every weekend u make goals for the weekend, mine were to spend more time at home and i was here all weekend.  also to eat dinner twice this weekend, so far i ate dinner last night and i even kept most of it down!  imma eat dinner today too!  oh and to see a friend this weekend but im not gonna do that in the end b/c its snowing... oh and get my hair cut, i will do that today.  im painting my nails today really fancy and imma do a mask on my face... im focusing all my energy into my looks so maybe i can actually get through the days....

imma post more often i promise, i've just been in such a rut this week. havent told my friends yet or my mom....

i'm setting a new rule that i will only see KD on weekends so ill be home a bit more often... i try to spend as much time with him as i can so that i dont gotta be home :S

i've been toldo ne of my followers has nominated me for a blogger award, personally i dont see why anyone would do that.... i dont even know wat they are! id LOVE if someone coudl tell me what they even are?? i know i wont win but im secretly very excited to even be nominated.. :S

<3 i love u girls with all my heart and truely hope all of you fine the peace in your heart that g0d owes u, and that u deserve! <3

stay strong and happy,

sincerely Happiness <3