To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

right? left? upside down? backwards?

AHHHHHHHHHHHH damn u mind!!!!! i cant even think straight! damn u fucking happy pills, damn u fucking boy, damn u fucking parents, damn u fucking cousin, damn u fucking grandma!, damn u fucking grandfather, damn u fucking friends and damn u fucking food!!!!!!!!!

the fucking happy pills are fucking my head up! and the boy isnt helping!

last night to make it up to me for ditching on sunday he wanted to take me out for cake and a movie... but of course that sounded terrible to me so we went for cake, i picked at it.... he talked to me about all the restaurants and different foods he wants me to try... i almost threw up just thinking about it :(

then to burn off the cake and the broccoli i had in the morning i decided we were just gonna have sex :P  we did it three times and in between we would like cuddle up and ask questions about life or just talk <3  but then.... he just says "you know what, i've never seen you eat"  my heart drops and i very quickly say "i eat, i ate that cake, and that veggy burger at ur restaurant!!!!" we talked for a bit, and i had to just tell him that i dont like to eat a lot in front of guys im trying to impress... he bought it and left me alone for a bit.

after all our frisky fun (aka he needed to eat something ;P) we went to A&W, i said i'd eat the veggie burger, only 300 cal and i didnt eat all day so that i could without wanting to purge after. but i had to get dressed first so he turns on the light so we can find my clothes... i hide under my sweater and then of course he wants to have a conver on why he cant see my naked in the light!  i tell him that one day he will (when im down about 10 pounds!) and he give up again and lets it go...... im really scared he might be bad for me!  he is coming over today for lunch, im gonna see if he just wants to have sex instead or if i can say i already ate....

i really am falling for him, hard, but if all he does is make me eat....
im gonna eat today b/c i gots another doctor appointment today..... iim thinking to get me off this plateau and to get the boy off my back i might eat like 1,000 cals a day (and leave the gym a lone for a bit... or at least not as much) for a week or so.... stay at this weight but eating more might make my body think that its like it was before and it will drop as quickly as it did before too (none of that made sense, sorry! i dont really know what i wanted to say :P)

fasting all weekend, no if's and's or but's! if i want to see chef when i get back then i cant eat on this convention! all the food is crap and nasty!

he is texting me!!!! he texted good morning when he woke up (so i was still alseep :P) but we did talk and he said he is gonna get better at it! and i told him about my grandpa and he said he will definitely be there for me when i need him <3

my online food diary is still amazzing :P im always in the negitives which makes me happy :) but now i want to be a min. of 800 cals positive? does that sound good? idk it sounds really high, my first number was gonna be 500.... bleh i hate this, why cant i jsust be normal and happy and fat.  wouldnt it take less energy to love myself for being a whale then it does to make myself beautiful :P  lol i could just be a fat whale sitting around my house all day, devouring cakes, chocolate, meats and all the little people who would try to walk by me... just pick them up and eat them too! id be like a house! just eating everything and everyone... i wonder who would love me then........

(p.s. still on coke, cant give it up.... i have some left and i dont have the power to throw it out....)

-----------------------------------------EDIT***--------------------------just wanted to add some pics i took before chef came over for some snooky time during his lunch break ;)

my cute little outfit so we can have sex with the lights and he still cant see me....
looks how fat my thighs and ass are :(
my massive curve is actually disgusting, but u can see a bit of light between my legs, its about a 1 fingers width gap, still not good enough... :(
my flabby tummy and 3 ribs, and my ass that chef loves(idk why) and my fat thighs!
one thing i like is that without pushing it out my neck bones are so defined! all my back bones and shoulder bones look good, nothing else does though... :(

he liked my outfit and got away with wearing it the whole time, while he wass here though an "i love u" almost slipped from my lips... not ok!


Isla Lynn said...

My boy has been trying to get me to eat lately, too. I just hate it. It can really ruin the mood sometimes. I bet you are gorgeous naked because can I tell you a secret? Guys like a little meat on our bones (I doubt you have any, but still). We're the ones with the fucked up logic that we have to be all skin and bones. My boyfriend says he likes curves and softness. But, sad to say, I'm not doing it for him.

Ah, you actually made sense to me in that paragraph that claimed to make no sense. Hah. I'm at 800 calories a day, and losing slowly. But... Still losing. I hope you find some peace tonight.

I love you!

Isla Lynn said...

I don't ever get on my e-mail! Haha, but I do text all the freakin' time. Where do you live? I'm in the States, in Georgia. If you are too, let's be texting buddies!!

bonesarepure said...

o u made sense well at least umade sense to me
im sorry that urh appy pills are fucking up ur head thats not fun at all
and dude no more coke i wont let u dont make me come to canada and kick ur ass cause i will
and i c ribs in ur pics i bet u look great
my boy makes me eat on fridays cause thats all when i c him but guys do lik ealil meaton the bones mine wants me to b 110 never gonna happen but thats what he wants
just stay strong hun ur beautiful just remember that

Starving Artist said...

You made sense to me haha maybe your happy pills just made your sense seems like nonsense to you? ;p
Oooh your little outfit is soo cute, and I'm majorly jealous of your belly ring.
I see some ribs in that third pic ;) gorgeous collar bones too!
At least you know he cares enough to inquire about your eating, no one I know has..

Isla Lynn said...

The pictures look so sexy, girl! And, ah, MOVE TO THE STATES! Haha, do you have facebook?

Isla Lynn said...!/illn3v3rdie

Just add me, loser. ; ) <3

Isla Lynn said...

That's really me. Haha, my real name is no where close to Isla Lynn.