To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!

QUICK NEWS!!!:

- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

how to deal with stupid....

I never learnt :P

My stupid act was telling my parents I was unhappy. They did get me some help but oh my I got a few words on that! But first I’d like to explain how my parents think it’s a good way to deal with my depression and ED: telling me about other people who have died in the world (like random people in prisons!), telling me that because of my actions that they are ‘upset’ (aka I’m the reason they aren’t happy! AWESOME right?), telling me that I’m not trying hard enough to ‘fix myself’ (I LEGIT HAVE BEEN SCARFING DOWN TUMS TO KEEP FOOD DOWN!) and oh my favourite is getting mad at me for forgetting little things! Like I’m trying my damn hardest to make it through my days, I REALLY don’t need them adding to it! 

On to my rant about the ‘help’ I’m supposed to be getting.  I’m trying my best to be honest but I’m not dumb, I know that they will tell my parents things so I didn’t tell them about the coke, but I had to see this one lady and MAN SHE WAS STUPID!!!!!! My stepmom told her my ‘unhealthy food relationship’ started only a month or two ago and because of my grandpa.  I decided to tell her the truth about how I’ve been dealing with this since I was in grade 6 or 8 (depends on how bad u have to be to declare it unhealthy...) and then fucking 3 or 4 more times she would say that it started a few months ago, and every time I had to correct her!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!! Like I don’t handle stupid well............. I really don’t.

Sorry for the rant :P but oh man I would have been better dealing with this on my own...........

Quick update..... haven’t eaten yet.... I had some veggies here and there but sadly now I’m stricter than ever with my calories, it’s like I’m scared to eat? I wanna sit down and eat but I feel like everyone is watching me and I can’t handle it!  Last night I got yelled at so terribly I just couldn’t handle it anymore and I cut, that’s right I cut and didn’t carve... which is weird for me because I hate the idea of unorganized and reasonless pain (I’m weird :P) but I didn’t want to die.... but I slit my wrist. And deeper than ever before, I could see my veins, I was careful to go around, it was like I was digging out my wrist. Sorry too much info but the image hasn’t left my head..........

Me and Mr. Funny guy are no longer anything more than friends, I refuse to get into a life like that, he is cold and doesn’t care about anything!  I met someone new and we are going out tomorrow.  Issue with him is he is a chief.... BUT uber adorable and has the most amazing blue eyes! 

Btw I have a new trick to keep myself on track, I tied a string around my waist, measured at exactly 24’’.  If my measurement goes past that it HURTS and if it’s loose then I am pain free. Right now it’s loose and I’m happy.

I don’t know how to tag other bloggers but I want to give a special thank you to “Almost.Skinny.Vegan”, “Starving Artist”, “Mich”, “EvaPuedeVolar” and “Isla Lynn”, I find you guys amazing and I want to thank you for being there for me :)

-happiness <3

4 comments:

Effy said...

oh my goodness, are you sure we haven't got the same parents?! Just try to block them out and pretend you hear what they're saying, though it's hard when the stuff they say is hurtful etc. but hey, they have good intentions.. even though they may be a pain in the ass!

That sounds way too close for comfort, be careful! I wouldn't want anything to happen to you!

Take care, you deserve to treat yourself well instead of punsihing yourself!

xxxx

Almost.Skinny said...

Ta gorgeous! *hugs* I don't deal with stupid well either.. I'm sorry it appears to surround you! PLEASE be careful with cutting/carving!!! I know there are times it feels needed but is there any chance you could pick another spot? somewhere less delicate- I'm assuming you want to keep the use of your hands.. also if you do it somewhere more covered you can choose who knows about it. I don't mean to lecture- i'm just concerned about you.
Your string idea is genius!! I have to try that!! Thanks :)
p.s I use 'Link' in the top of the post/comment box

Starving Artist said...

Stupidity? I seem to be surrounded by it too /sigh
Excuse me but, HAHA freaking retarded help lady!
I remember my worst cut, I wanted to see my hip bone... I did.. *hug* I know the feeling lovely.
Good luck with the new guy ;)
I like your string idea, I think I might try that :)
How to tag, next to where you insert pictures there is a blue 'link' button, get the bloggers blog url and put it in 'Web address' and type their name where it says 'Text to display'

I'm glad I can be some help sweetie
<3

Mich said...

Ugh, that sounds just like how my parents were when they first decided I needed "help." It's amazing how they're all supposed to be the adults and yet they are so clueless... Hope it all works out for you!!
xoxoxoxo