To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Monday, November 22, 2010

scared half to death?

i weighed myself this morning and was down to 107 so im like "oh ok well then if i eat like nothing today ill be down to 100 in no time!" so i didnt go to school but had work at about 12:30pm, tookmy morning meds (including the new diet meds) and then had coffee (6 cups, 30 cals).... turns out i didnt have work so i got there, took my other dose of diet pills and then headed back home... here is where everything went downhill!!!

i started feeling my lax from the night before really kick in... so i go to the washroom... im still frozen from outside but i start to get really sweaty.... i try to forget it but my stomach wont stop hurting!  i get scared really easily but this used to happen to me a lot when i was little and it would pass so i didnt think much of it.... i stripped and stayed in my washroom.... but i was still sweating but now i started to feel like my feet, fingers and legs where frozen.. like numb.... ok so picture this: naked girl lying on the floor curled up, sweating and shivering....  i ended up throwing up (and no, this time i didnt make myself throw up)... after i threw up i sat in the shower and made it as hot as possible, but was still cold.... i ended up passing out in the shower and woke up 30 min later.....

now its me,, and im a drama queen so i ate 1,500 cals today.... im gonna actually eat something tomorrow i think.... so that doesnt happen again....
im gonna lax again today and tomorrow, got school, work then my date with chef.... i need to get down to 100 pounds before i can tell chef i love him... even if he says it first... and i have decided that because of me having my period im gonna wait till im 105 to have sex with him again.... which wil be hard because he keeps trying to take me out for dinner or brunch or well.. jsut food!

whatever.... i have no clue wat im doing anymore, i know he makes me happy, i know that i love him.... and i also know that this weekend i found out that i've been in love with my best friend for years now.... we have been friends since kindergarten and we are gonna stay best friends no matter wat! im not gonna give up wat me and chef have for him (now to be referred to as...jexican :P jewish-mexican, makes sense!)........  me and jexican are gonna stay best friends as we were but there is no doubt something between us that neither of us will admit to!

when i was lying there today... i thought about calling for help... but for a second i wondered about the afterlife.. wat do u think happens once u die??? heaven? hell? rotting in the ground??? comment with ur thoughts, or make it ur next post, either way ill read it :P


bonesarepure said...

please be careful hun i dont want nething toh appen to u ok so be careful
and afterlife idk like i beleive in past lives and shit but idk aobut after life c i never really though about it maybe i should
now promise me u will be careful

Mich said...

Careful missy; that's scary!

I dunno about the afterlife, but personally I hope there's nothing. No heaven or hell or anything else--just total oblivion.

Drink lots and LOTS of water if you're laxing. Don't want to dry yourself up. :-*


Starving Artist said...

Save those laz pills for emergency honey, if you haven't eaten much and you take it and you take it too often it'll start really messing you up inside, be careful love
I'ma answer that in my next post cause I've been lacking material to post about lately xD

windusa said...

Wow, Be careful! We dont want you getting hurt at all! Dont take too many of one pill or mix a bunch :[ it can cause some scarry things <3

As far a dieing I think that we all go to heaven because everyone cant be perfect and we are rewarded for the good in our lives, and not that fluffy white angel filled place but where our heaven is <3

Isla Lynn said...

Please, please be careful, M. : /

I believe in heaven. I believe there is a Savior who can heal my scars and I believe he's big enough to take away all this mess. But, I'm not ready to give him my everything, and that's what he requires. A life devoted to seeing peace and healing happen. Love is the movement, you know? I wish you well.