To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!


- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

crying, help, no!

im scared
im actually scared
not like, oh no a spider scared
i mean like freaking out scared

i had my first nose bleed ever today
i was sitting at my kitchen table and reading and commenting on every post on ever blog i follow (if u got some comments then this was before it happened) and i got a tissue b/c my nose felt liek it was gonna run and then i looked at it and there was a bit of blood, but there always is because i snort coke a lot
but then two seconds later the blod comes pouring out all over my tights.

i cleaned myself up and waited for it to stop but it scared me so terribly!!!! ive NEVER had a nose bleed before!!!!! do u think its because of the coke??? do u think i could even quit coke now??? i dont want to b/c its keeping my hunger down. wats the different between becoming addicted to lax or vomiting or diet pills or pain killers to coke?

or wat if it is because im getting too weak from losing 10 pounds in like a week or so

btw i havent weighed myself in a bit because of the binging im just too scared.  im too scared of everything!!!

i want help, i need help, this isnt normal, but then again im never gonna be normal
and besides if i did tell anyone or if anyone found out that i got put into treatment or something then they would think im jsut looking for attention because its not like im thin or underweight

i dont need that attention or want it!!!

i balled out into tears while my nose was bleeding, now i jsut cant get over it!

im constantly cold, the hunger pains drown out the sound of my teacher talking in class and the shakes im getting from quitting smoking are actually scaring me too!

i dont knwo what to do! i jsut wanna lie in bed forever and not:
touch food because eating makes me feel nasty inside and out and not eating takes over my life. or see people because being around people makes me feel as alone as when i am alone.  or think about drugs or alcohol because all they do is fuck with my mind and make me go crazy.

im actually frantic right now, cant handle it
might take some sleeping pills to just calm me down a bit but not to sleep.

cant. handle. this.


Starving Artist said...

nose bleeds happen sweetie, it'll be ok, I've gotten a random nose bleed otwice like that, once when I was 10 (before my ED and everything) and once just last year, both just out of nowhere, but they went away and I was fine, a bit freaked (yeah I get a bit crazy over things like that too), but I was ok. If it starts happening regularly, there might be a problem, but our bodys just do things sometimes for reasons we don't know, and then they're fine. It'll be ok sweetie, say if it starts happening regularly and I'll help you look for a reason and a way to stop it, ok?

Mich said...

I get nosebleeds a lot in the winter, because the heat in the house is on. If the heat has been turned on in your house, it could be drying you out. The coke probably just makes anything nose-related a bit worse. You're right--it's no worse or better than other addictions or habits, but it can f*ck you up a lot faster than most things. I know a few girls who were constantly congested and blowing their noses from doing a lot of coke, and they ended up blowing out huge chunks of cartilage. That's when I quit. :/

Take care of yourself, hun!