To whom it may concern....

dont be stupid! who the hell WANTS an eating disorder??? I went through 3 months of day treatment at the hospital and i was there for the least amount of time i could. I am now fighting every day to live! dont be stupid, love ur body before its too late!

QUICK NEWS!!!:

- me and KD are still together, over 7 months and we are going really good
- im out of treatment and trying my best to give myself a future!
- this blog is now 100% about recovery and if u ever want to say anything or ask anything have no fear! u will never be yelled at for ur thoughts!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

my crotch hurts!!!

now that i got ur attention :P

lols k so its 1:30am on a friday and im dying!
i cant sleep
at all
all week!

i havent been to school, or anywhere
jsut home and the gym (and my 2 shifts at work)
im depressed, my grandpa is dead, or dying.... he has a brain tumor, its taken him over, he isnt there anymore. i've givin up completely.

i have nothing left
i have no reason to get up. i've lost all my friends here. i've lost everything. even my family. my stepmom didnt realize i was home and was talking with my dad.  she said she knows everything im doing is 'jsut for attentnion' and how she 'cant handle me anymore'.  my dad came home and yelled at me to stop all my shit because it was too much for him to handle with his father dying.  i know i picked a bad time, but i want help, i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again.  i have no mirror, did i tell u?  i smashed it b/c i couldnt look at myself anymore.

i bet u guys know the feeling of trying to hide all ur habits in fear of people knowing, but do u know wat its like to cry out for help, and be told that they dont have time?

i'm finally at that point where i cant go on, i want help, i cant live forever like this.  im down to under 110 btw. my chest hurts, my ribs are lookin nice.  legs still fat, ass still there.

but i hurt, i have no strength.  i have to will to eat, or drink, or move.  i cant sleep.

it hurts too much to know that i cant get help.  why even want wat u cant have right? they dont believe me, i guess they'll only believe me when im dead and bone.  at least ill die thin......

4 comments:

Almost.Skinny said...

I'm sorry about your grandfather. I know there's nothing I can do/say but I'm here if you need anything, just ask. I feel so bad for you *hugs* I'm sorry your family is being so unsupportive, but there are ways to get help without them. Are there any doctors/counsellors at your school that could help? There should be some government funded help around, you've just got to find it. If you want help, don't give up, you can feel better, you can learn to love yourself again. Stay safe- take care xxx

Mich said...

Sorry about your family, hun. :( Your dad's probably just stressed about your grandfather and doesn't know what to do. I'm sure he loves you and cares about you--he probably just doesn't know how to handle everything that's going on in your lives. Hang in there, luv!
xoxoxo

Starving Artist said...

oh honey.. this sounds exactly like what my family would do.. like almost.skinny says, can you look for councelors at school? Don't give up my lovely, you can make it. I'm going to be a hipocrite now, but don't just starve just to spite them, if you WANT to get better.. it's for you, not them, who cares about them? Get better for YOU, and if you need some help on the way out, well I'll still be here. I'm sure your other girls will be too, just know you haven't lost everyone *hug*

EvaPuedeVolar said...

It sounds like these gals gave you a lot of good advice already. Sometimes parents suck, and sometimes they get lost and mess up just like we do. Eating disorders can be a struggle for the whole family. And I am so sorry about your grandfather.

If you need support, I'm here.
<3 Eva